Chile: September (09.09.04)

Sud America A Hoy!
The newspaper for the travelling classes.

Editor: Snr Hamieson
Printed: Lima, Peru

HEADLINE
Man found alive and well after completing Andean adventure

Legendary list-ticker and adventurer Dan Jamieson (25) completed the Inca trail yesterday and emerged from the Andes declaring himself "happy, yet knackered". Resting in his backpacking retreat in the dirty and ugly city of Lima, the explorer was pleased that his legs had made it over the long 4 day trek to the Inca citadel and that he had met lots of lovely people who seemed to all come from Brooklyn and be card-carrying liberal lawyers who knew of his sister.

Machu Picchu was both described as "amazing, impressive, a wonder of the world", and "crawling with fat Americans on cell phones, tour groups of German hikers who just got the train and lacking a significant Andean sundial beacuse they knocked it down for Spanish dignitaries so they could land their helicopter on the top when they came for a visit a few years before".

THE GUIDE...
Leo 'Senor Piedras de Pollo" or Mr Chicken Legs was excellent. Thanks to all those readers who recommended SAS Travel.

SPORT
Whilst in the hills near Cusco Mr Jamieson witnessed bizarre scenes as the local team Ciencieno Cusco won the South American Super Cup, beating Boca Juniors on penalties. He had been attempting to sleep but was woken by the screams of dementedly pissed porters all off their skulls celebrating the first time a Pervian team had won the title. Dan remarked "it's the equivalent of being in the foothills of Bucharest when they won the European Cup, or in Nottingham when they won". The following night back in Cusco was spent toasting the greatest two teams in the whole world - Ciencieno y Liberpool.

Thanks to Wayne Rooney for ending the blank expressions when travellers ask which part of Liverpool one's from - now when you say Aigburth, everyone from the UK knows that's where Rooney's whorehouse of choice is. One in the eye for all those who said Dan wasn't from the streets.

ADVERTISEMENT
Did you know that during Peruvian TV's football games a sixth of the screen is taken up with an advert every 30 seconds and the commentary is stopped for the cynical marketing messages? Now there's and idea we could use....

WORLD NEWS
The section everyone says they read but don't, prefering stories of people like Dan's human failings
Intrepid reporter Dan Jamieson (38-24-36) is due at Raleigh Field Base on September 11th. This is of course a very important day for the Chilean people. Some say its not as historic as the day in 1973 when those pro-democracy-spreading damn Yankees helped overthrown the elected Government and installed General Pinochet and his junta budies, but the locals feel it could be just as pivotal in their nation's history.

SPANISH CROSS WORDS

J
CABRON
O D
Ñ E
O R

HEALTH
Mr Jamieson was reportedly in rude health having survived a night club full of incident into the small hours before an early flight. A hint of 'grippe' or Spanish flu was predicted though. Contrary to other report his badly assembled legs worked perfectly during his 4 day Inca trail ordeal.

WOMEN'S PAGE
Left blank due to lack of content

THE REVIEW
Pretentious reviews of recently read pretentious books

The Art of Travel - Alain de Botton. "As Bauldelaire himself said - goal-orientated travellers are just wankers who like to shout "been there, done that at travel programmes!"

The Motorcycle Diaries - Che Guevara. "estu-fucking-pendo. I love his travelogue style of reportage and emails home" - Isabel Allende

ELECTRONIC LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
All welcome, all read and responded to appropriately

COMING SOON

TV
Get Me Out of My Temptation Fantasy Brat Camp - Coming Soon in multi-media. Website to be launched soon.

RADIO
Radio Raleigh to be launch on the unsuspected Chilean public in the next month. Reviews to follow.

SPECIAL PROMOTIONAL SUPPLEMENT (from August 17 to August 30)
The Camino de Santiago - why 'Walking Holiday' is a contradiction in terms by Dan Jamieson

1-2 Jon's glorious 700k achievement
3 Dan's disgrace in the moonlight after too much brandy
4-99 Dan's 252k of almost biblical-style suffering due to spaccy ankles
100 The End, thanks be to God

All rights reserved. Adios amigos