Chile: September (29.09.04)

Job Description of Raleigh International Assistant Logistics Manager

Qualities needed for the role:

SURVIVE 2.5 WEEKS
This has been achieved. Just.

ABILITY TO STAY ALIVE IN COLD CONDITIONS
I have just about survived our wilderness training. My bollocks are being defrosting as I type. The 40 staff heading off into the Reserva in the worst conditions seen in 28 expeditions - basically a driving blizzard. We had to complete a series of navigation and radio exercises in said blizzard and then attempt to bivvy (or sleep rough as I like to call) it without tents in the snow for two nights. Only 18 returned (that’s a joke by the way).

LITERALLY HOLD, A DRIVING LICENCE
Boss - “Ok before we get cracking can all the drivers give me their driving licences.”

Me - “Er, this may sound spectacularly dumb but didn’t think I needed one. I can get a fax of my UK driving licence”

Boss – “Has it got a photo ID?”

Me - “Er, no, its old and manky from when I fell in the river whilst punting in 1996”

Boss – “You can't drive till you have a international driving licence with photo ID and by the way the post takes 5 weeks to get here”

Doofus.
And so commenced 5 days of toil and trouble using pidgen Spanish to get electronic mug shots, filling in forms, failing to realise that the fax machine was actually plugged in…. Well, you get the picture. Anyway, thanks to the sterling & sterling efforts of Kate and Kev I believe I may have a driving licence before the end of 2005, or the expedition, which ever comes first.

EXPERIENCE OF LOGISTICS
My boss has 13 years of logistical Raleigh experience .
His Chilean wife has 13 years of logistical experience and local knowledge.
My partner in logistical crime is a 26 year old Swede called Nina who is quite literally doing a PHD in Logistics. And speaks better English then me. And has a driving licence.
I, on the other hand, have failed to deliver a lot of T-shirts in my time.

ADDITIONAL ABILITIES REQUIRED BY THE ROLE

ABILITY TO WALK ROUND SUPERMARKETS
Nina and I have an arrangement that she does the driving and I do the speaking in Spanish. Consequently, we walk round and round the supermarket getting directed to all the wrong things for hours. No we don’t want a pestle and mortar we need ‘pesto & water’ – that sort of thing.

ABILITY TOO LUG BOXES, TICK LISTS AND MAKE PILES
We have to make piles of food, from our lists and give them to the punters. As my employers know I am only happy when I’ve cut corners, buried my mistakes and slap-dashed my way through any task. Nina, being an anal logistician, is a little incompatible with me on that level but no one has yet starved to death.

ABILITY TO BE AT THE BECK AND CALL OF EVERYONE 24/7
Everything is logs fault. No, not actually, but when anything breaks, something is not delivered or some nob-end has plugged up the bogs I have to sort it out. Have taken to hiding in a snow hole.

ABILITY TO RUN
Every Chilean has by law to own a dangerous dog. Walking to town is like a Harry Potter style denouement.

ABILITY TO RUN A SHOP
We have opened a camp shop – “Dan and Nina’s Snack Shack Emporium”. We’ve bought the stock now we just need to market it properly. “Roll up, roll up, get your snacks. Walk 3 miles into town and the run the gauntlet of the dangerous dogs or pay our inflated prices. You decide”

ABILITY TO WALK
Still hobbling round like a ‘Constipated Penguin’ (copyright Jon Davie). Hoping to join local football team next week so learning the Spanish for “Do you need a glacier-paced English style centre-forward to shout in the wrong language a lot?”

ABILITY TO MASTER THE RADIO
“Hey I worked for Capital, I know all about radio” didn’t go down very well. Its all call sign this, Roger, Bravo let's go Tango that and the reason I’m up at 7am typing is that I’ve been on 24 hour radio duty just in case anyone had to be evacuated by helicopter. I overslept and had to jump out of bed in my boxys to grab the mike and have pulled my left hammy. Sierra, Hotel, India, Tango.

ABILITY TO SWIM
For some unknown reason my interview involved having to swim across an ice cold river while it was snowing. When I came round from CPR I was informed I had got the job.

ABILITY TO GET ON WITH YOUNG PEOPLE (Yes, that’s on, not off)
This has yet to be tested as the posh kids & crack peddlers aren’t out here till tomorrow. So far it's only staff and we’re bonded together as only a group who stared death in the face can. Phases 1 & 2 I will be in Field Base and Phase 3 I will be released back into the wild with a group of youngsters doing something constructive as yet to be specified.

ABILITY TO WRITE COMEDY SCRIPTS
Had them all rolling in the aisles with my hilarious comedy sketches and impressions of officious Germans. No, this is not a joke.

ABILITY TO SING AND DRESS UP IN WOMEN'S CLOTHES
I have been specifically chosen to sing 'I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK' to the kids with a chorus line of fellow male staff and then reveal my women's underwear. Why do I do it?

ABILITY TO RUN PUB QUIZZES
At last something I can actually do. Downloaded all the best questions from quiz-zone.com, throw in the Magnificent Seven and the jobs done.

DO NOT NEED IN ANYWAY

• Cambridge degree
• Marketing experience
• Scrabble
• Knowledge of the inside of UK media arse-bubble
• Scuba-diving qualification
• Shorts
• In depth knowledge of Liverpool FC
• Ability to spend ages on hotmail sending annoying messages to 273 people

LOCATION

• We have a nice office with a warm fire, which I don’t get to spend much time in coz I spend all day lugging boxes
• I live in a tent, which for those that know how much I hate camping and sleeping on the floor, is quite literally a pain in the ass.
• Beautiful views behind the clouds, apparently
• Close to transport (i.e. the Land Rover I’m not allowed to drive)
• Close to major metropolis – Coyhaique. About 50,000 people, mainly the military and the usual Chilean mini-people and their dangerous dogs.

SALARY

None, run out of money, no prospect of anymore

REFEREES
Trying to track down Derek, my old Scout Master in order to prove that I can actually survive on my own outdoors, put up a tent and could once walk.
That's it. I'm off to sing and dance and welcome the Venturers.....