Chile: Radio Script 1 - October 17

INTRO
Sound Effects: Land of Hope & Glory
Hola, Buenas Tardes, Ciao, Bienvenido to the Field Base Broadcasting Company. The time is 6.00pm standard Chilean time and the date is Sunday October 17. Estupendo!
Coming up in the next half an hour we’ve got a show so packed, if it was a rucksack, only Joern could carry it.

We’ve got
 A special song for you
 News, gossip, updates & messages from all the groups
 All the footie results, including a laugh at Scotland
 You can learn some more useful Spanish from Norman’s School of the Surreal
 There’s news from the 24 hour Field Base Broadcasting Centre News Bunker
 Plus some official announcements and stuff like that

To start us off here’s a song you may be familiar with from cooking in the barn, Whilst you’re all away Roy from Keane popped into the fieldbase to record this special version of their song Somewhere only we know (Making the Senero) for A4 and A5

KEANE – SOMEWHERE ONLY WE KNOW (MAKING THE SENDERO)
We walk across an empty land
We build the pathway with our bare hands
We feel the earth beneath our feet
Sit by the river, the path’s not complete

Oh simple things where have you gone?
We’re getting tired and we need chocolate to rely on
So tell me when the rain’s gonna end
We’re getting tired and we need drinking to begin

We came across a fallen tree
We felled the branches that were looking at me
Is this the place we grew to love?
Is this the place that we've been dreaming of?

Oh simple things where have you gone?
We’re getting tired and we’ve got beanfeast to rely on
So tell me when the wind’s gonna end
We’re getting tired and we need showers to begin

So if you have a minute why don't you go?
Talk about making the Sendero?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Making the Sendero
Somewhere only we know?

Remember this record is not available in any shops. We’re available for all weddings, parties and barmitzvas by the way.

Ok now for updates on the various groups

Alpha 1
Fieldbase are getting increasingly worried about the effects of the constant rain on Alpha 1’s sanity. Sightings of hummingbirds and dolphins we expected, but over the past few days, their reports have become more and more erratic.
They have apparently spotted a giraffe, a crocodile and most recently the Loch Ness Monster. Alledgedly Lord Lucan paddled past yesterday. Ali would just like to re-iterate the Raleigh policy on drug use. When we said have a good trip we didn’t mean that kind.

Now we go over to our roving report Verity for Alpha 2’s report …

Alpha 2
Sound Effects: 50’s musics
“Hello campers, its me, Verity here, reporting for the FBBC. Lovely. I’m coming to you live and direct from a snow hole way up a mountain in the middle of Chile. I can report that the snow is cold, the rain is wet and the beanfeast is very windy. Marvellous. We’ve all been feasting on macaroni, chocolate and had lashings of ginger beer. We’ve dug snow holes, climbed mountains, seen amazing sights and somehow remained warm and toasty. Unfortunately, I may have to return to London shortly, yes, children sad I know, as I have been given the job as the new presenter of Blue Peter, isn’t that super? So on that sad note this is me, Verity, for the FBBC, listening aht – Goodnight campers.”

Thank you Verity, more from her next week

Alpha 3
Frank rang in with Alpha 3’s description of their week. He has been sleeping outside, naked in the snow to compete with Joern so bare with him...

Pyromaniacs Alpha 3 have been trying to solve their obsession with exploding pressure cookers by cooling down by swimming in glacial lakes and dancing on ice-bergs.
Sighting of condors and pumas and Joern sleeping naked in the snow have made the journey so far eventful.

With bush-bashing taking place in the hear, otherwise known as snow, much spinning has been done at night to keep warm.

During the phase Alpha 3 have been so secluded that washing and grooming have been at a minimum, A3 sources report that Kate’s cup is now furry (Must have been all the bush-bashing Maria has been showing her)

Next week A3 are off up uncharted peaks and attending wedding celebrations between Shital and the four Chilean farmers the Nef has to offer.

In conclusion Alpha 3 hope everyone will Roger that. And enjoy the craic, is what I think Frank said at the end.

Alpha 4
James and Dan visited their site like a latter-day Marylin Monroe and Dame Vera Lynn to keep the morale of the troops high. They failed in their mission due to out-right laziness and constant piss-taking.

Since our departure news has reached us of a military coup co-ordinated by General Mark the not so gentle Giant.

Apparently, the foot soldiers weren’t working hard enough for him. Half of them have been banished to the hills led by Liz and her fellow bandidas Sonja and Emma.

Happily though during the coup Nurse Bagshaw was able to get back to what she does best – amputating the limbs of whingers.

Bob got so excited during all the commotion that he managed to get some mysterious white sticky substance all over himself which he claims is candle wax. And we trust the word of a man who say he’s seen 15 huemels when there are only 9.

Ollie slept through everything of course.

Despite all this they’ve finished the Sendero and are now digging in for the trench warfare between the two factions. More news to follow. Back at Fieldbase A4 will be pleased to note that James is still regular and would be here but is asleep in his tent.

Alpha 5
Now they’ve flatten the entire reserva out the back they’ve moved on to widen the Sendero into a motorway over in the Tamango Reserva. On their way through they swapped Nina for Jen and Natalie, which seemed a fair enough trade to us.

Sally the medic has been poisoning their water supply to keep herself occupied while the neighbouring Argentinians have rung in to ask if Paul Winter could keep the noise down as they can’t sleep with him going on about himself all the time.

Finally, A5 have been using trees to break up their chainsaws, rather than the other way round, so that’ll be another resupply then.

Alpha 7
Alpha 7 have become local celebrities following their appearance on the front page of the local Aysen newspaper, SJ’s interview on the radio and coverage in the national newspaper El Mercurio.
We thought this local interest had reached a peak on Wednesday when there were lots of fireworks and a massive parade in the town, but we later learnt that it was to celebrate Coyhaique’s 75 year anniversary rather than Alpha 7 finally finishing the digging.

Despite the arduous work of contacting Fieldbase every hour on the hour, they have achieve a lot on their site, primarily, what is claimed to be the world’s finest long drop.

Alpha 6
We had to do the Alpha 6 news at the end because they’re always late with their reports so its only fair we make them wait. They also stared in the national media coverage along with Alpha 7, but the wind blew all their newspapers away.

Reports reach us that they’ve been to Puerto Ibanez for a day out on the beach. To quote Barry ‘We had a cushty meal of chicken and chips then spent the evening walking abht in only our T-shirts.

Meanwhile Martin has been making an international standard conference facility out of washing up bottles and stick backed plastic. Plans for a dry ski slope are taking shape.

Field Base
In between getting all the things you’ve been asking for we at the Field Base Broadcasting Corporation have been very busy. Ali and Sergio have been down to Villa O’Higgins to check out future projects down there and are off to Santiago this week to talk to potential partners, by the way that’s work partners.

Nat and Jen have been off to Tamango, Nina to A5 up in the Reserva, Dan and James off making the Sendero, and Norman and Antonia have been shaking their booty’s with Alpha 7 down at the Coyhaique celebrations.

The action packed programme for changeover is nearly complete and we can confirm that the showers remain at an excellent temperature for your impending arrive.

That’s the Alpha group news. now for a word from our sponsors

My name is Graham Hornsey, not a lot of people know that I sponsor Raleigh. When I asked A7 to improve the old people’s home in Coyhaique, they were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off. Now I’ve got to go and sort it out.

So if you’ve got a problem, and no-one else can help, contact someone who gives a $%&%^.
Logs, logs, logs, logs, logs, logs (to the tune of SKOL).
For all you logistical needs remember to dial 0 anytime, day or night. Note delivery takes ages. Smiles not included.

GOSSIP
Sound Effects: Big Brother
Usually this would be brought to you by Natalie, our ‘roving reporter of romance’, but as she’s out collecting gossip from the field so we’ve had to make stuff up in her absence.

 Rumors reach us that a certain member of Busted and pig-tailed school-girl in Alpha 7 have been getting close in the radio tent of love. Our spies remain out in force.
 And is there a possible romance brewing on the high seas with Alpha 1 and the Kayakers? Have two venturers been warming each other up after the end of a wet day? Or is it another hallucination. We need to know more.

Raleigh would like to remind everyone that honesty is always the best policy and of course we only want accurate information to be passed over the airwaves, so let Natalie know what going on in your Alpha group.

TOP BIRDS AND BABES
The votes have come flooding in for the position of camp stud and camp studesses.
Votes cast so far for the boys have included
Dr Jim ‘Have you met my lovely wife’ Brunning (A1)
Matt (A1)
Dave (A7)
Chris (A1)
Alpha 1 males doing particularly well this week.

And in the ladies category
Stephanie (A7)
Shital (A3)
Pat (A7) has made a surprise entry into the girls category…hes picked up two votes. Must be the hair.

They say that elections are failing to engage the youth of today. We say vote now and vote often.

MESSAGES
 Michaela and Pete from Alpha 7 say “hello Owen in Alpha 5…the photos are developed, we’ve got much better suntan’s than you and we are living in tented luxury….wet wipes.. by-the-way!”
 Michael also say’s “hello to Coca in Alpha 5..see you in a week”
 Dave in Alpha 5 says “Hello to Maria in Alpha 3…Looking forward to seeing you at Changeover!”
 Pete from Alpha 7 says “Hello and Happy Birthday to Shitel in Alpha 3…I’ll be back to collect my kiss!”
 Pete from Alpha 7 also say’s “Hi to Martin and Barry in Alpha 6…crack on, Geordie boys rock and see you in a week”
 Finally, hunky instructor Ian has a secret admirer, hopefully more on that later

HAPPY BIRTHDAYS
Sound Effects: Happy Birthday

My name is Graham Hornsey, and not a lot of people know that on Friday it’s my birthday. It is also Rena in Alpha 5’s birthday too. Also this week Neilion and Shital have birthdays as well so I suggest everyone sings happy birthday to each other down the handset. Don’t be shy, no-one knows who the person who can’t sing in tune is.
Wait for it, wait for it. Happy birthday…

Thank you, and remember I only told you to blow the bloody candles out.

Now over the Field Base Broadcasting Corporation news bunker for all the news matter that matters. James, James, wake up man!, what have you got for us in your news napsack tonight?

NEWS
Sound Effects: Dambusters

Bong
US elections. Good news for the whole world is that the American election is too close to call. Kerry has done well in the televised debates and has a lead in some polls depending on which news network you listen to. With 17 days to go, the race is redneck and neck.

Bong
The investigation in the disappearance of Lord Lucan has been reopened. This is not a joke and it has nothing to do with the reported sightings of him by Alpha 1.

Bong
Tony Blair wants to be PM for a full third term and won’t try and win a fourth. His opponents inside and outside his party don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Bong
It was a sad week for Chile as Cardinal Juan Francisco Fresno died at the age of 90. He had played a key role in efforts to restore democracy in Chile during the military dictatorship by the way.

Bong
Coyhaique celebrated its 75 year anniversary this week with parades, a firework display and a display of bad dancing from Alpha 7.

WEATHER
Since Norman’s spanish lesson last week you should all be able to describe all the weather we’ve seen in Region 11 this week. We’ve had rain, wind, snow, sun and fog. Experts predict unpredictability, so more of the same then. As they say on the Chilean version of The Fast Show – ‘Scorchio y lluvia’

Now over to Martin for his world of sport

SPORT
Sound Effects: Tennis

England has a good week winning comfortably 2-0 against Wales and 1-0 away in Azerbaijan. Goals from Lampard and a screamer from Beckham secured the first win, while Michael Owen scored the only goal over in Baku, which means City of Wind and is twinned with Balmaceda. The match was awful and so was the weather.

The news has been dominated by Beckham admitting he got himself deliberately booked so as to miss the Azerbaijan game so he could serve his suspension while injured. Lots of pontificating followed, as did and apology and then we all got on with our lives.

Talking of awful Scotland we’re terrible against Norway, losing 1-0 and then drew 1-1 with Moldova, yes that’s drew with Moldova 1-1. Berti Vogts is expected to be sacked this week.
Wales went from bad to worse and lost 3-2 at home to Poland on Wednesday and are now managerless and somehow below Northern Ireland who managed a creditable 3-3 draw with Austria, scoring in the last minute.

Finally, the Republic of Ireland top their group having drawn impressively with France 0-0 on Saturday and won 2-0 against the mighty Faroe Islanders on Wednesday.

Premiership
In the Premiership this weekend boring boring Aresnal won 3-1 against Villa extending their unbeaten run to 49 games, yawn, and opened up a 5 point lead over Chelsea. We enjoyed their first loss of the season, going down 1-0 to Man City.

Man U managed a goal-less draw against Birmingham and afterwards Red nose Ferguson was conceding the title as the Manc Scum languish 11 points behind the Arse already.

Performance of the week came from Liverpool who stormed back from 2-0 down at half time against Fulham to win 4-2. Come ‘ed your mighty Reds, aint that right Stevie lad.

For the toon army, the Geordies only drew 1-1 with Charlton away.

As for the boring teams.
Bolton 1 Palace 0
Everton 1 Southampton 0
West Brom 0 Norwich 0
Blackburn 0 Middlesbrough 4

So the league looks like this
Arsenal top on 25
Chelski on 20
Everton, bizarrely on 19
Bolton 4th on 15
Boro 5th on 14
Man U on 14
And Liverpool are poised to race up to fourth as they are on 13 and have a game in hand
Newcastle 8th on 13 too

At the bottom its
Palace 5
Southampton 5
Norwich and Blackburn on 6.
No-one would be upset to see the back of that lot.

In the ridiculously named Championship we had

West Ham 0 QPR 1
Plymouth 1 Wigan 2
Ipswich 1 Burnley 1
Stoke 0 Reading 0
Coventry 1 Leicester 1
Gillingham 1 Sheffield United 3
Wolves 0 Forest 1

The table looks like this
Wigan on 27
Reading and QPR on 26
Ipswich 4th on 25
With Sunderland and West Ham tied on 21.
Stoke are 7th on 20
Sheffield United 8th
All played 13

Leicester are 11th and have replaced Mickey Adams with Harry Bassett – like that’s going to work.

Forest 20th.

Scottish results
Business as usual in Scotland Celtic won 3-0 v Hearts and Rangers 2-0

And in other Sport
India are actually beating the Aussies a cricket in the second test and lead after 4 days.
Andy Robinson has been appointed England Rugby coach after Clive Woodward went mad and started wanting to coach football.
Jamie Burnett scored 148, the highest break ever in Snooker, he started with a free ball for the smartarses.

NORMAN’S SPANISH
Sound Effects: Benny Hill
Now over to DJ Normski for another instalment of his unique brand of Spanish teaching. This week its how to pull the ladies in a high wind isn’t it Norman?

Norman…
Sound Effects: Romantic Piano Music

Thank you Norman, more from his slightly bizarre world next week.

ANNOUNCEMENTS
Sound Effects: Dambusters
Now for 4 official announcements from the powers that be.

Time to get writing
 Each Alpha group must supply 100 words about their phase for the newsletter. It should be about your adventures, what you’ve actually done and general stuff about the people in your group. You will need to supply it over the radio on Wednesday or give it to visiting fieldbase staff.
For example Antonia knows that George has some great song lyrics, could he write them down for us and send them in. A number of you have a lot to say for yourselves so put some of it down for heaven’s sake.

Time to get performing
 Each Alpha Group should return to Field Base ready to perform a skit to the rest of the expedition about what they have been getting up to on phase one. It can anything you want it to be and as all singing and all dancing as you want. You’ll be acted them out on Sunday, the night you’re all coming back on.

Time to get partying
 Finally, Field Base will be throwing a ‘Hell of a Halloween Party!’ on the Monday night. The dress code will be fancy dress of course. The theme is ghostly and goulish, make of it what you will.

Time to get time off
 Can staff members indicate at the radio check on Tuesday who wants to take time out over the changeover? Maximum 2 per group, cost about $9,000.

SIGN OFF
Gracias, Buenos Noches, Ciao Ciao, Adios, Hasta Luego
OK there you have it, this week’s broadcast from the FBBC, total audience about 100, a few bemused Chilean radio enthusiasts and 9 huemuls. This is me, Dan, wishing you all a pleasant evening in your tents, up on your mountain sides or lying naked in the snow. Please remember the weather is only a state of mind. See you all in a week. Nighty night happy campers.

SONG – Weather with you. Crowded House