Chile: October (18.10.04)

Radio Raleigh launched by the FBBC* to widespread acclaim

For those of you blissfully unaware of what actually goes on down here we have about 60 venturers and 30 staff in the field doing various good-works out in the wilds of Chile.

Their only contact with the outside world is through a long-wave, two-way radio which keeps Field Base (ie me and 8 other staff) in touch with them every 12 hours. Each Sunday night at 6pm they literally huddle together to listen to a ‘radio show’ put on by Field Base (ie me and 8 other staff) for their 'enjoyment'. I’ve recreated my first broadcast for you below.

As a leaving present from Capital they gave me a series of jingles and backing tracks, which saved on my Ipod, have helped spice up the aural entertainment.

6.00pm Sound Effects: Land of Hope & Glory 1min

"Hola, Buenas Tardes, Senoras y Senoritas, Bienvenido to the *Field Base Broadcasting Corporacion. The time is 6.00pm standard Chilean time and the date is Sunday October 17. Estupendo!"

NEWS UPDATE Sound Effects: Dambusters 15 sec

"Now for a news update, we go direct to James in the FBBC news bunker. James what have you got in your news-napsack for us tonight…"

BONG
My own personal update says I am well and well-fed.

BONG
The venturers arrived and unleashed hell. Nina, Dr of Logistics, and me her logstical-gimp, had to work 16 hours a day to keep the little funkers fed, watered and filled up on snacks. Average day started at 7am and finished about 11pm. There were runs to the shops, errands, running Nina and Dan Snack Shack Emporium, arse-wiping, delivering breakfast, lunch and tea and issuing them with personal kit. The only moments I had to myself were on the can. Overall, this was initially fun and stimulating and gradually gave way to grumpiness and whining martyrdom.

BONG
The venturers themselves were a wide ranging bunch of ex-heroin addicts and posh girls (I’ve been working hard on de-bunking stereotypes by the way). They were all remarkably nice though.

BONG
Eventually they buggered off into the hills and I could relax, well, for about 24 hours before I was bundled out the door and sent to join one of the groups making the Sendero (see below). The Sendero is a path that will runs the length of Chile and when completed will celebrate their bi-centenary. Raleigh are helping to make it using chain-gang style labour.

BONG
I arrived like a latter-day Marilyn Monroe to keep morale of the troops high. I, of course, failed in this mission due to constant p*ss-taking and idleness. I arrived and immediately they had a rest day, which was excellent. We went for a soggy walk in the drizzle to hunt for Chile’s national animal, the huemul – a kind or cack, nearly extinct, mini-deer. We thought the guide, to cover his ineptness, was going to put on a pair of antlers and leap out from behind a bush but as it turned out, he was a huemul-finding genuis and we saw 3 of the them. There are only 9 in the whole national park so we had a nice meal, washed them down with a nice Chianti and retired to bed.

BONG
The staff and venturers were all good fun and it was a pleasure to help their development by hammering on their personal weaknesses and belittling anyone who took my air-time.

BONG
We came back to field base and I immediately had my first real day off in five weeks. Newsreader James and I went off for a big gay night out, having a meal together in town and then retiring to a hotel to our (separate) luxury beds. The room had the twin benefits of cable TV and a bath. Both were used fully; watching the OC, various world cup qualifiers and the final US President debate. Good to see the race is now redneck and neck. This was followed by a lie-in in a bed, oh sweet Lord.

BONG
Then it was back to base camp for the build up to the return of the little b*ggers.

(Note to self: remember to score some crack and get the gymkana rosettes for the Snack Shack)

FIRST SONG

(Now if you can imagine this, I actually sung this down the line, with a group of male backing singers for the chorus. Dangerous dogs all across Chile we’re heard howling in the moonlight)

Keane – Somewhere only we know (Making the Sendero)

We walk across an empty land
We build the pathway with our bare hands
We feel the earth beneath our feet
Sit by the river, the path’s not complete

Oh simple things where have you gone?
We’re getting tired and we need chocolate to rely on
So tell me when the rain’s gonna end
We’re getting tired and we need drinking to begin

We came across a fallen tree
We felled the branches that were looking at me
Is this the place we grew to love?
Is this the place that we've been dreaming of?

Oh simple things where have you gone?
We’re getting tired and we’ve got beanfeast to rely on
So tell me when the wind’s gonna end
We’re getting tired and we need showers to begin

So if you have a minute why don't you go?
Talk about making the Sendero
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Making the Sendero
Somewhere only we know?

"We’re available for all weddings, parties and barmitzvas by the way."

ADVERTS

We even had adverts in our show. Graham, my Logs boss – ex-RAF, trained to kill, wasn’t listening – speaks like Michael Caine. Hence the impression…

"Now for a word from our sponsors...

My name is Graham Hornsey, not a lot of people know that I sponsor Raleigh. When I asked A7 to renovate the old people’s home, they were only supposed to blow the bl**dy doors off. Now I’ve got to go and sort it out.

So if you’ve got a problem, and no-one else can help, contact someone who gives a monkeys.
Logs, logs, logs, logs, logs, logs (to the tune of SKOL).

(high pitched voice, female voice) For all your logistical needs remember to dial 0 anytime, day or night. Note delivery takes ages. Smiles not included."

"Now over to Martin for his world of sport"

SPORT Sound Effects: Theme to the Tennis 10 sec

PING
Still not managed to play any real sport. Am currently the reigning table tennis champion and ridiculously over-competitive at volleyball but no football as of yet. Been for a couple of runs and was actually bitten on my leg by a dangerous dog. I returned later that night and tortured it, by singing.

PONG
Enjoyed watching highlights of England v Azerbaijan, only because it was a place more cold and windy than here, and I was in a hotel.

WEATHER

"Experts predict unpredictability. As they say on the Chilean version of The Fast Show – ‘No Scorchio’"

NORMAN’S SPANISH Sound Effects: Benny Hill (for some unknown reason)

Norman, our fieldbase interpreter, is 53 and been giving Spanish lessons over the radio. This week I had to pretend to be a woman whilst someone else tried to chat me up in Spanglish. Don’t know if this was helping anyone, least of all me.

Unfortunately, whenever I speak Spanish I come across like a Mexican bandido. When I casually mentioned to Nina in the supermarket that "Ham’s up, its daylight robbery" they overheard and thought I’d just said "hands up, it’s a robbery". We were released without charge.

"Thank you Norman, and more from his slightly bizarre world next week."

GOSSIP Sound Effects: Big Brother 10 secs

The venturers and all the other staff are at it like rabbits. I look on with a detached air.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Sound Effects: Happy Birthday by Altered Images

"My name is Graham Hornsey, and not a lot of people know that on Friday it’s my birthday. Everyone sings Happy birthday…

Thank you, and remember I only told you to blow the bl**dy candles out."

SIGN OFF Sound Effects: 50’s backing track

"Gracias, Buenos Noches, Ciao Ciao, Adios, Hasta Luego Senoritas.

OK there you have it, this week’s broadcast from the FBBC. This is me, Dan, wishing you all a pleasant evening lying naked in the snow because we forgot to give you a tent. Please remember that weather is only a state of mind and whinging is a disease only cured by extreme violence. Nighty night happy campers. And here’s an appropriate song to leave you with.

LAST SONG – Weather with you. Crowded House

Yes, the show was greeted with silence the first time as well.

REVIEWS

"Radio Raleigh was a triumph over adversity, la." The Liverpool Echo
"What the fu*k are you on?." Scally from Newcastle The Sun
"Marvellous, super, smashing, when does it start?." Posh bird The Telegraph
"Capital Punishment Radio, more like." Keith Pringle The Evening Standard
"Don’t give up the day job. Oh, you have." Carl Lyons The Grauniad

RAJAR audience results
61 venturers----------------------------------- 18-25
34 staff ------------------------------------------ 25-55
2 Bemused Chilean Radio Hams ------ 55+
6 Huemels --------------------------------------- Age unknown