Chile: Radio Script 3 - November 7

INTRO
Sound Effects: Land of Hope & Glory (5 secs)
Ring, Ring: ALL
Hello.What, you’d like to complain about our choice of start music?
What, it doesn’t take into account all our international friends?
Good point, yes of course we’ll keep your identity completely confidential
Thanks, good bye.
What we going to do now?

Sound Effects: Deutshland Uber Alles (30 secs) ALL
Deutschland Deutschland uber alles
Uber alles in der welt
Wie komme ich am Besten zum Bahnhof
Gehen sie geradeaus

Von dem Krankenhaus, bis zur Stadion
Essen wir der Sauerkraut

Wir lieben, Fußball zu spielen und wir gewinnen immer auf Strafen
Wir lieben, Fußball zu spielen und wir gewinnen immer auf Strafen

And yes the translation of the last line is, “we love to play football and we always win on penalties”.

Hello, Hola, Bonjour and Con-e-chi-wa to the Field Base Text Message Service. And a special hello to all our international friends of course. The time is 6.00pm standard Chilean time and the date is Sunday November 7st. Marvilliso!

Coming up in the next half an hour we’ve got a show so packed, if it was a meal, only Ollie Chapman could eat it

In between all the messages we’ve got…
 News, & updates from all the groups
 All the footie results, and some comedy cricket from the Aussies
 Claire will have some more adventures with El Medico D’Amor for you
 And there’s weather because this week it’s been ‘Scorchio’ ALL

Alpha group news
Just a small point from the script writers of the FBBC. Unless we actual get news from you, we have to make stuff up and primarily take the proverbial out of the staff as they’re the easiest target.
When we’ve got dirt on with venturers we’re more than happy to lay into them. So, send us all the news that fit to print and we’ll broadcast it.

Ok, here’s what’s been going on with the various Alpha groups. Now to keep all our international cousins happy we’ve got their national anthems for you, mainly from a website where they are played on the hammond organ.

Alpha 7
Here’s a special tune for Coca
Sound Effects: Chile National Anthem
Yes that’s the Chilean national anthem folks, not a fairground ride

Alpha 7 can go first this week because they have developed an excellent way for generating quality content for the radio show. No, its not more comedy ‘adventure’ holidays it’s a new game.
All the group write 5 facts about each other and put them in all in a hat, then divide into two teams. As each fact is read out, the other team has to guess who it is.

Can you guess

Who’s Dad operates a pornography warehouse?
Who, when they worked in a supermarket, had sex in the freezer?
Who is related to Martin Clunes?
Who went to Boy George’s birthday party?
Who carried an actual human poo around in a handbag for 4 days?

Tune in next week to find out who’s who.

Background “But there’s no show next week”

Exactly….

Alpha 1:
Now here’s one for Steph
Sound Effects: Dutch National Anthem
Shame on you, if you thought the Dutch national anthem would sound like a porn soundtrack

Firstly, after last week, news reaches us that El Medico D’Amor is alive and well and he’d like to say a special hello to all the ladies out there. Steph, Maddy, Verity and Liz we’d like to know how you can control yourselves?

The kayakers have been enjoying the sunshine and thanking their lucky stars that its not raining. They’ve been for a night kayak and it says on this handwritten log book that Roger has been pissing off Iain Fish. Oh no, sorry, misread that, during the night paddle Roger’s been urinating on the fish to demonstrate phosperous in the water.

Alpha 2:
Martin and Scotland’s National Anthem
Sound Effects: Donald Where’s Your Trousers
Alpha 2 have moved up to a new camp, just below the snow line, which is apparently amazing. It’s called Pioneer base camp, which to us is a disappointing name. They’re now climbing mountains, literally for fun.

News reaches us that apparently Owen has been heard making strange Celtic noises with a young lady in a tent. Maybe he was just cutting her hair for her.

And also there’s been a request that Alpha 2 staff that the venturers do something about their horrendous smelly feet because the toxins are melting the snow.

Before change over they were thinking of staying a few nights at a hospedje at the end of the phase. Celia overheard that it was going some of them an arm and a leg and went off to get her surgical equipment out but thankfully no one was hurt.

Martin managed to stay for 20 mins have a cup of tea and left his jumper behind. Not the type of resupply we like.

Alpha 3:
This one’s going out to Nina, It’s Sweden
Sound Effects: Swedish National Anthem
“Hola, Nina Modig here with the update for my website Cold & Hot Swedish Girls in the Snow.com. Yesterday we had a camp day. Yes, everybody dressed up in womens clothing, put on make up and did some interior decorating of the tents. Jen now has a lovely photo of Andy in a dress. We are about to go on a four day trek, after which we will all be hot and sweaty, visit my website where I reveal all.

Alpha 4:
By the way here’s one for you
Sound Effects: By the way by Red hot Chillis
Here’s the news that’s fit to print from Alpha 4 and by the way ITS BRILLIANT.

After last week’s top 10 we now have Michaela’s top 5 ways to die.
Play top of the pops music
5 Being in Alpha 7
4 Sparks from the fire
3 Cut in half by flying chainsaw
2 Killed by a mattock
1 Falling down the long drop

Death, ITS BRILLIANT, by the way.

In between the fighting over fruit and burning the world’s biggest bonfire, Gareth has been for a swim in Lago Paloma and Rachel is turning into the Chile’s answer Delia Smith, wowing the punters with beanfeast samosas – and as we all know a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. By the way that’s the end of this brilliant news update from Alpha 4.

Alpha 5:
This one for the camps’ official Mother, Jessie
Sound Effects: Kenyan National Anthem
To celebrate his 18th George shouted down the radio “I’m a man, I’m a man” after we sang happy birthday to him at their sitrep. We said we’d all raise a glass of legal lager to him on December 10 when he can officially drink for the first time ever. We assume you don’t know what lager tastes like yet George.
Ed managed to build a path for a week and keep all his clothes clean, we say build, but he just stood round looking wistful. He then baked bread for a day and got covered in sticky white stuff. Must be missing Rachel.
Sally continues to say things like ‘George get your bits out’. God is that the reason he’s a man now?Mother Jess continues to make flapjacks and look after everyone, Derek caught a fish, pictionary is now an Olympic sport in Tamango and Barry’s techno continues to wake everyone up at 5.30 every morning.

Finally, Martin would like to say Hi to all at Alpha 5, thank you for having me.

Alpha 6:
Here’s one for Sebastian
Sound Effects: Chilean National Anthem
Much news from Alpha 6 this week
Dan and Jim went to see them and keep spirits up by losing at cards. Dan arrived and put the entire floor down in the old people’s home in half a day, what have you been doing for the past phase and a half.

The Reverend Martin has an admirer in his congregation. One of the local teenage, and underage I might add, girls has developed a crush on him. She wrote him a poem telling him how much she loved him and is now waiting round the corner of the church for his reply. And no, we are no making this up, you can all read the translated note at changeover.

Here are some, now infamous phases from Alpha 6
“I’m just been spending time in my tent with Spanish Cosmo and my dic” Sally Mills, we think she meant dictionary
“I’ll eat anything” Sally Mills
“My initials aren’t S and M for nothing” Sally Mills

Nicknames have caught on, Rory has been rechristened Dobby the House Elf, Kate is now Katie Ketchup and Ollie has become Dolly for some reason. Jack is still recovering from realising he is related to Ollie Ruscombe Smith and may have stopped working due to the shock.

Claire’s Dad sent her an areogramme which she was overjoyed to find out went like this.
“Dear Claire, hope you’re well, here’s what’s been happening in the football.
Two pages of Arsenal updates later.
That’s all from me, more scores to come soon, take care, Love Dad.”
Chris, we think he wants a son in law asap.

Finally, Rory is finalising his plans for his year off. He’s heard that the UK and the USA have a special relationship so he’s going over to be a lifeguard and have as many special relationship as he can. In the meantime he’s been practicing with the old grannies.

Alpha 8:
Georgia does of course have her own national anthem
Sound Effects: Georgia’s National Anthem
Dave has all his hedghogs synchronised and ready to go off at any moment. Antonia’s 21st went brilliantly as the team brought a cake, presents and a banner up with them and managed to hide it from her in their spacious tent. Having been 21 for 10 years now, we’re wondering what she’ll do to top this next year.

The group have tried and failed to find a path up to the top of the valley, but of course we don’t know how hard they tried. We suspect they’ll be back sunbathing in Chile Chico staggering out the back of some pub before too long. Dave has rung in at least twice to request a bloke-evac, but we’ve sent resupplies of men’s magazine’s and a garden shed to keep him happy.

Field Base:
We loved this so much we had to play it again
Sound Effects: Chilean National Anthem
We’ve been joined at the field base fairground by Italian photographer Valentina who comes from Sicily. She has been living in Manchester for the past few years because she went there when she was 14 for a Take That concert and thought if she moved there she might bump into and marry Mark Owen.Word of warning, don’t ever play table tennis against her as she was the under 13 table tennis champion of Sicily. None of her opponents have been seen since and James has disappeared. If you see her, be nice to her, or her Dad will pay you a visit.

Claire’s been to Alpha 4 and dug a Sendero out of the snow
Jim and Dan have been to Alpha 6 and been worked like female dogs
Martin have been to Alpha’s 2 and 5, dropping off his jumpers as he went
Ali has gone to London to get away from us all for a week. She’ll be calling every 12 hours on the radio to giggle her sitreps to us.

Finally, Martin’s in charge everyone, so roll up roll up boys and girls, now’s the time to get your casevacs and medi-reps in

MESSAGES & GOSSIP
Sound Effects: Big Brother
A1
Steph to Kate, Michaela and Rachel: Hello

A2
Owen to Peter. Phil, Steph A1: Big Hello
Owen to Mel A3: Hi
Owen to Shital and Michaela in A4: Hi
Owen to Jack, Rory and Vinnie in A6: Hi
Owen to Ollie and Coca in A7: Hi
Matt and John to James, Sarah and Chris in A4: Cut that tree down, do it.

A3
Mel to Jack: Sorry for no message last week, missing you loads, see you next week
Martin, Pat and Chris to Maddy: Hello
Martin to Peter: Hello
Henry and Chris to Rachel in A2: How you doin’?, randy Rachel

A4
Nothing has been going on at all, by the way

A5
George A5 to Coca: Hello
George to Steve: Hang in there
Ed and Kate to Steph and Dave: Hello
Ed to Rachel: Love you loads
Ed and Kate to Steph, Pete and Dave in A1 – We love you and enjoy it
Ed and Kate to Rachel, Nelion and Vicky – We love you and enjoy it
Barry to Peter in A1 – Wi aye man and take it easy Peter
Barry to wee Martin – Wi aye man and hope the snow’s not too cold pet
Barry to Simon, Shital, Kate, Sarah and Stevie – Wi aye man from big man
Barry to Rachel on behalf of Ed – can’t wait to marry you and loves you lots.

A6
Must get them from my tent

A7
Coca to Aisling and Mel: miss you
Coca to Owen and Michaela: Wet wipes boom boom
Coca to Shital: HiCoca to George: Happy birthday
Coca to all of A5: Miss you
Simon to Shital: Take a left b’atch
Frank to Shital: Spoonin’ buddies miss you lots, rubber baby buggy bumper

A8
All of alpha 8 to Chile Chico barman: 4 glasses of red wine and 4 pisco sours please

Next week we’ve decided to save you all time
Jim Kitty, Henry, Will, Tom, Steph, Yin, Moon, Derek, Jessie, Ruaridh, Paul, Coca, Frank, Dave, Martin Maddy, Barry, Lauren, Claire, Michaela, Martin, Seb, Simon, Marc, Owen, Shital, Sarah, James Tash,George, Richard, Rena, Ash, Mel, James, Gareth, Alexandra, Jack, Vinnie, Ed, Emma, Sam, Claire Nelion, Ollie 1, Ollie 2, Rachel 1, Rachel 2, Jon 1, Jon 2, Stevie 1, Stevie 2, Nick 1, Nick 2, Dan Pete 1, Pete 2, Kate 1, Kate 2, Matt 1, Matt 2, Chris 1, Chris 2, Chris 3 would like to say ‘Hi’ to Alpha’s 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 & 8

Fieldbase have made some up

Fieldbase to Barry: please stop playing your terrible techno at 5.30 in the morning, it wakes us up too
Fieldbase to Ollie in A6: shut up and stop eating all the food
A1 ladies to Phil: Oh my god that was amazing, can we do it again and again and again

NEWS
Sound Effects: Dambusters
Biggest news of the week has been, pause, the weather
The weather on the coast for the kayakers = ALL - scorchio
The weather up in the mountains for the trekkers – scorchio
The weather in Balmaceda – scorchio – and the wind even dropped
The weather in Coyhaique – scorchio for Field Base and Alpha 8
The weather in Tamango – scorchio for Alpha 5
Weather in A4 – a hell of a lot of heilo, followed by scorchio

And there’s more of the same on the way, yes that’s right, more of the same on the way.

Bong
For those that don’t already know the result of the US Election and don’t want to know, stick your fingers in your ears. For those that do know the result and don’t want to know, stick your fingers in your eyes and bury your head in the snow coz we’ve got four more years of Bush on the way. It was close, but not that close, and in a record turnout for any US Election, Bush got 3.5m more votes than Kerry. Basically all the cities voted for Kerry and all those in the rural communities voted for Bush – and there are more of them so they won. God Bless the US of A

Sound effects: Star Spangled banner
What follows are the views of the Uk’s Daily Mirror and not those, necessarily of the FBBC, they described the election was as being won by…American accent - “The self-righteous, gun-totin', military lovin', sister marryin', abortion-hatin', gay-loathin', foreigner-despisin', non-passport ownin' red-necks, who believe God gave America the biggest dick in the world so it could urinate on the rest of us and make their land "free and strong".

Bong
Apparently the winner in the second biggest election, the Coyhaiquen council election was Salvador Alcalde – but I suspect you all knew that was going to happen anyway.

Bong
Yasser Arafat is about to die – and as befits the man’s entire life, the Palestinians are already arguing with the Israelis over which land he’s going to be buried in.

Bong
Band Aid supergroup to re-form for Christmas ‘Do they know its Christmas’ Single ahead of 20th anniversary Live Aid concert next year.

As the Day Today would say, remember kids: Fact into doubt wont go.

Now over to Claire Tarn’s Dad for the football results

SPORT
Sound Effects: Tennis
“Hello Claire, its your Dad here, hope you’re well, here’s what’s been happening in the football.

Premiership
Big news in the Premiership this week is that Jaques Santini has walked out on Spurs after 13 matches siteing “personal reasons” in inverted commas. So Spurs continue their recent run of appointing odd-balls and wierdos. Martin Jol, his number 2 is expected to be announced as his replacement and good luck to him.

Other big news is that Arsenal’s mini-slump continues as they are held by plucky Crystal Palace.This means a victorious Chelsea, who beat Everton 1-0, go top.

It pains me to say this but Liverpool lost 1-0 at home to Birmingham. Sorry Stevie.
And it pains the Geordies for me to say they got hammered 4-1 at home by Fulham. Yes that’s 4-1 at home by Fulham.

Man united had Alan Smith predictably sent off in the Manc derby but drew 0-0.

So the table looks like this
Chelsea and Tab go top on 29
The Arse with Claire looking up at someone for a change on 27 in 2nd
Everton still strangely third on 23
Bolton on 22
Boro on 19
Villa 6th on 18 with Man U
Liverpool in 8th – Dan and Stevie
Peter, Barry and Martin and the Geordies back in 9th
Spurs continue to be rubbish and lost 3-2 to Charlton. Yes they’re so bad, Barry beat them all on his own.

In League Division 1 as we like to call it

Burnley 0 – Ipswich 2 – get in Tash and Matt
Reading 1- Stoke 0 – Boo Hoo Bob
Sheff United – 0 – Gillingham 0 – happy with that Pat?
West Ham 2 – QPR 1 – James wake up, something’s happened
Wolves 2 – Forest 1 – Martin not getting startin’
Wigan 0 – Plymouth 2 – chasing pack, happy with that

The table looks like this
Wigan top on 39
Ipswich second on 36
Reading on 34
Sunderland and West Ham tied on 31
QPR on 30.
Sheffield United 6 on 27
Stoke plummeting to 12th on 24.
All played 18

Leicester (brackets Jim, Claire and Dave) are 14th and Forest (Martin) 2nd from bottom

News from Scotland
Good news for Vinne - Celtic won 2-1 against Kilmarnock – goals from McGeady and Thompson to take them 4 points clear. Rangers won 4-1.

And in other Sport
The Aussie were humbled in the final test against India, though the awful pitch may have something to do with it as 40 wickets fell in 2 days. They failed to chase 104 and were all out for 94.

The Aussies though did see off Scotland at Rugby Union winning 31-14. Wales fell agonisingly short against South Africa losing 36-38 and just to reassure Jorn we will bring him all the All Blacks scores as they come in.

If he cares about Rugby league Great Britain beat New Zealand 22-18. And finally Paula Radcliffe made an amazing comeback by winning the New York marathon – but then again there wasn’t a gold medal at stake.

That’s all from me Claire, more scores to come soon, take care Love Dad.”

NORMAN’S SPANISH WITH CLAIRE
Sound Effects: Benny Hill

Now over to Claire for our weekly Spanish lesson
Claire…
Hola Campistas Scorchios!
Hello sunny campers

Hello it’s Claire here, your Spanish teacher for today. Listen to how the Dr of Love helps ladies with their medical problems

Ugly Boy: Hello baby Girl: Oh my god what’s that smell?

Boy: I think it must be my feet.

Girl: You’ve stink. Doctor, doctor come quickly, its an emergency

Sound effects: Hot chocolate’s you sexy thing.
Dr of Love: Fear not young lady, I’m here and I’m fearless and I’ll deal with it. Go and wash you’re feet in three bowls of bleach and leave us alone.

Girl: Oh my god Dr of Love, your amazing

Dr of Love: Yes I know

Girl: Can you stop my beating heart?

Dr of Love: Yes, stop drinking so much Zuko and don’t look me in the eye

Girl: Doctor I’ve got a terrible rash on my chest.

Dr of Love: I can provide you with some cream for that.

Girl: I’ve also got some women’s problems

Dr of Love: I cure women of all their problems, can we go to my tent now?

Girl: Of course, but my identical twin sister has an itch she just can’t scratch, can she come too?

Dr of Love: I’ll try.

Claire: Thanks to the doctor of love, remember his advice when asks to put suntan cream on we recommend you

All: DO IT………

Thank you Claire, more from her and the Dr Love next week.

Dan’s world of soft skills

Now over Dan for Dan’s world of soft skills
Hello happy campers.

I’d like us all to sit round in a non-confrontational circle because I want to talk about my feelings. Is everyone sitting comfortably?

Can you help me with a problem I’m having?

Sir Ranaulph Fiennes has told me that “Sarcasm and mockery maybe fun but can easily go wrong and offend sensibilities.” But I just can’t stop going to Alpha groups and taking the piss out of them.
What should I do?

Should I just go to groups like Alpha 6 and remain silent for 48 hours
or should I tell Sir Ranaulph “yeah, whatever, why don’t you spend more time doing pointless adventures and less time pontificating you humourless old toff”.

I’d like everyone to think about that for 10 minutes and come back free of cynicism. Thank you and good night.

Next week fieldbase tutorial: Hard skills with James - How to erect a shelter so you can sleep anywhere, any time, any place.

SIGN OFF
Sound Effects: Rhubarb and Custard

Gracias, Buenos Noches, Ciao Ciao, Adios, Hasta Luego

Thank you all for listen, contributing and giving us valid feedback, Here at the FBBC we take everything extremely seriously, then ignore it.As for the final song of the day, we’d like to explain something about song requests. Because of the computer equipment we have here we can only play songs from Antonia’s mp3 collection. So all requests will be ignored unless they are 80’s base pop rubbish for blonde cheerleaders, or the entire back catalogue of East 17.

No its not a national anthem to end on. As you’ve all been living a multi-cultural and slightly mad life, here’s something for you.

SONG – Livin’ la vida loca – Ricky Martin.