Barcelona: It's TEFL-time

The wonderful world of Dan Juan
November 13, 2001

Hola chicos y chicas (see my Spanish has come on in leaps and bounds girls and boys)

I am very well but I´m back in the real world of job and flat hunting, having finished my course last week. I say the real world but that´s not strictly true as I´m actually just having a great time on holiday.

Last time when I said that the TEFL course was starting on Monday, it was in fact starting the same time as I was typing. I turned up to a typcial Jamieson-stylee introduction.

"Hi, I´m Dan"
"Where were you for the first day of the course?"
"Isn´t that today?"
"No it was Friday, didn´t you read your email"
"Er yes but I forgot to remember what was in it, sorry"
"OK never mind, why weren´t you here at 9.00am?"
"I thought it started at 9.30"
"Well it didn´t, today´s class started half an hour ago"
"Have you bought your 40 page pre-course task with you?"
"Er, no forgot that one too"
"Have you prepared a five mintue presentation to your fellow student teachers on a subject of your choice?"
"Er, no, I suppose I´ll have to wing that one"
Good start.

Obviously the next 4 and half weeks I was back to my usual lying, cheating, stealing academic tactics. The course was great fun, though I did turn out to be unusually bad at teaching. Who would have thought? The people on the course were a mixture of the great and the good, with the odd dash of mentalist, but we all got on pretty well and had a right laugh. There was student/teacher shaggin, teacher on teacher action and much more besides. One particularly mental girl called Katy has been stalking me and going round saying she is my girlfriend. I continue to deny this in public of course whilst waiting for the restraining order to come through the Spanish courts. She is smart, funny and tidy, and her guide dog is very nice too. Now I´m a teacher I´ve taken to wearing cords, I´m growing a beard and I now sit around moaning about all the holidays I have. She may continue to find this appealing but I´ve going to have to pack her off home soon as her teacher´s arms are now a real turn off.

Comedy moments in no particular order

I had my Dad and my sister out for a weekend which was really lovely. Dad was out so he could drive the Volvo up to Santander and get the boat home whilst dropping in on the Guggenheim for an afternoon. The Volvo is 12 years old, the ultimate in road-trip chic and has taken me, Martin, plus the likes of Cara, Jon, Andy B and various sex-addicted Swedes and anal Germans wherever they´ve wanted to go. That was until my Dad gets 100 miles outside of Barcelona and the bloody thing blows up. Literally, smoke and everything. Fucked, complete write off. My Dad who speaks no Spanish had to draw pictures to the garage owner of him pushing the car over a cliff into the sea to illustrate the concept of "the car will cost too much to repair so I will have to abandon it here." All our stuff - surfboard, wetsuits, skateboard etc is now in a lock up in the middle of nowhere while the car is being taken out by tug into the Med and scuttled. Dad wasn´t very happy as he realised I hadn´t actually paid him the cheque to buy it off him in the first place. He then had to buy a single flight back from Barcelona and missed the ferry and the Guggenheim. Oh dear.

Sammy came out for 5 days of mad hell raising and random shit. I left him slurring his words and smelling unpleasant in the station after he had been up for 36 hours rampaging round town. The mayor has made a public announcement that people are safe to unlock their daughters as Sam has now left for South America.

Flat continues to be a nightmare. The un-house trained dog has now got worms, imagine being confronted by the little shitty wrigglers first thing in the morning when you´ve got a hangover. Die dog die. Perhaps I shouldn´t have been trying to poison it over the past four weeks. I´m out of there like a shit off a shovel asap, literally. I saw a flat yesterday that is an Attico and has a large terrace where you can have parties. Also most importantly it has a full sized bed (the Spanish are the smallest people in Europe. Fact, not a *Dan Fact(lie)) and a full sized bath. This is a big deal. No dog. Marvellous. I find out tomorrow if I´m in.

My football career has been going reasonably. I had a great game the other week and scored an amazing 30 yard volley, which surprised me as much as them. They took me off and we promptly lost. Ha, personal glory is everything in this game. Anyway the other week I turned up at the ground on a Saturday much later than usual, when I got there, there was no one from my team around so I rang my manager and he said "You were supposed to be here at 3, we´ve got an away game that kicks off in 30 minutes, get in a taxi you twat and get to Val$=)(?." Oh I thought, better get a taxi and head off to Val$=)(? where ever that is. The taxi driver knew where it was and set off then asked the great question of "which ground in Val$=()?". I thought there was only one but there turned out to be loads. Anyway, two hours later, 30 quid in taxi fares, 20 quid in failed phone calls, 5 grounds and 1 very irate taxi driver later I fail miserably to get to the game at all. Anyone who plays for the Road and ever tries this pathetic excuse on me will not be forgive. Later I found out that I was actually in the wrong city.

I´m now looking for a job. Big pay, light work, preferably starting late, finishing early, nice people, free Spanish lessons, that sort of thing. If one exists I´ll let you all know because in dream world there are plenty of these type of jobs to go round. I have redone my CV and given it to one person, so that´s enough for now. Most days are now spent in cafe´s talking about how hard it is to find work. I´m just waiting for the spanish equivalent of Niall to head-hunt me whilst I´m sitting in the cafe, chatting away over my cafe con leche.

Smug points have been earnt whilst going to Air in concert - very cool if a little bit French/English/Spanish/Catalan confusing
Figueras and Girona - Dali musuem and beautiful old city on a road trip back when the Volvo was in its prime with me behind the wheel.
The beach in November and sun bathing

Hoping to add to the smug points total with the following fun
House sitting for a friend from the course in her four bedroom house in a little beautiful town on the outskirts for 5 days this weekend and being paid to look after her nice dog in booze and pringles.

Susanne is out this weekend for fun and booze and pringles Jon, Carl and Buzz the weekend after for light ales, marathon ancedote sessions and Barcelona v Athletico Bilbao Then le hombre Alex Grande for a bit and possibly Martin (come and get your gear back mate, the lockup is only 2 hours away by coach, mate)

I will return, smug, penniless, tanned and without much Spanish in mid December I think, returning to Barca after Karen´s wedding for more of the same ineffective job hunting, bad Spanish and wholehearted leisure. Anyone want to organise me a lush New Years Eve?

Beats work(th)ing for a living.

Adios amigos, eat my good time

Senor Hameeeson, as they say out here.

PS anyone fancy coming out for the Barcelona Liverpool game on March 13, or my birthday in mid January come to think about it. anyone fancy skiing for a bit in Andorra, or going to Fieas in Valencia in the Spring... I believe I have a weekend free sometime in 2013