Barcelona: He's Coming Home

He’s coming home, he’s coming home, Dan is coming home

RECEPTION, REPORTS, RE-EMPLOYMENT, REQUIRE ROOM TO RENT, R n R, RIVALDO, RONALDO, RONALDINHO, REASONS, REVIEW, REMAKING MISTAKES, RETURN

It´s time to get the bunting out again, paint Union Jacks on your faces and re-learn the words to the second verse of the national anthemn because I am returning to Britain in two weeks time. Hurrah.
Having also failed to achieve any notable success on a foriegn field I will be having a formal reception at Buckingham Palace to mark the occasion (note to Tony Blair: for once just stay out of the limelight, purlease)

REPORTS
Now all the fish in the barrels have been shot and all the available candy taken from babies I have finished teaching. Please find below some testimonials from my best students
Xavi - "Dan best teacher englishman in life ever. He teach me nothing I now know"
Maria - "I enjoy Dan very much but his English is very bad"
Josep - "Spain full of unluck, lost Dan and penalties together. We have 36 years of pain too now"
Montse - "If Dan continues to work on his grammar and improves his fluency he could be comprehensible in English one day"

RE-EMPLOYMENT
I am pleased to announce that I will be taking up a temporary post as Carl and Jon´s marketing gimp at lastminute.com. This job was of course only arranged at the last minute so I start on Monday July 15. I have to live in a box in the cellar, wear a rubber suit and only speak when the orange is removed from my mouth until the end of the summer. Obviously after this I am open to other gimp-related employment offers - and thank you to everyone who sent me adverts for binmen, pornstar jobs and medical testing opportunities after the last circular. Victoria after work beer posse you have been warned.

REQUIRE ROOM TO RENT
As is the usual with annoying circulars I want something. I am looking for:
Large bedroom
Sun terrace
Large garden
Central London
Jacuzzi
Lovely flatmates
100 quid a month less bills
Cleaners
Without Chris
I am almost considerate, opinionated, untidy, awful in the mornings, a nazi over bills, want to minimise my responsibilities, constantly have friends round, play my 7 CD´s relentlessly and will make the place smell with wet football kit at all times.
Any offers, thoughts or leads gratefully recieved. I will be in Carl´s spare room for a month but he will be sick of the sight of me very soon so I need to get my ass in gear and move in August.

R n R
After working so hard for a year I am now going on holiday. I´m off to the north of Spain to climb mountains, hang out in the Guggenhiem, top up my tan and entertain my Dad.

RIVALDO
Great player, gotta admire a man who has modelled his bandy legged running style on me.

RONALDO
Aaaaahh, lovely story, great teeth, jumpers for goalposts, little children in the park having seizures but scoring the winner when everyone else has stopped, marvellous...

RONALDINHO
Ugly as sin and that hair style - did he mean it?

REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL
Spain is great of course but I do actually love Britain as well.
When you are away you miss certain things - here are a few for you to nod along to, criticise or add to at you leisure.

marmite; the smell of freshly cut grass; radio 5 live headlines on the hour; football focus; greasy spoons; Robinson´s orange squash; Guardian Guide; OSM; puns in advertising and paper headlines; english not being american english; bonfire night; Tesco´s; pub quizzes; the Thames at night; cricket; Whincop; bumping into people randomly; newsagents; fresh milk; shepherd´s pie ;roast dinners ;curries in Brick Lane; the smell of hot tarmac after a summer rain fall; Friends and Frasier on a friday night; kickabouts in the park; takeaways; baths; seagulls; Private Eye; regional accents; toast; picnics; other people getting your popular cultural references; the simpsons; bangers and mash; surfing in Polzeath; pool; proper gin and tonics; parks; the Lake District; radiators; collective hysteria during World Cup; euphamisms, idioms, slang; the concept of taking the piss; wooden floors; terraced houses; distinct seasons; banter; pints of cold lager; informed debate; Time Out; Chris Morris ; Sunday league football; you lot I suppose

REVIEW
I watched the World Cup of course, even conducting a number of lessons in the pub explaining offside and tackle from behind were in English. I know a number of you have been waiting for my assessment so here it is (really bored people can skip to the next paragraph)
England, so close but yet so far. Well not really, we just weren´t good enough, simple as that. It was too hot, all our players were knackered or crocked and we didn´t actually pass the ball to each other when it counted. Rio was a buck-toothed marvel, Owen criminally underused, Sinclair amazing, Butt and Scholes nice and organised but that was not enough, sorry. Sven just because he speaks in Swenglish and riddles doesn´t make him a genius and we have a bit more of a plan than defend in depth and hope Owen can score or pinch something from a free kick. OK in the heat of Japan but the next two tournies are in Europe. Rant over, christ if Gazza can be a pundit then we all can. Quote from Big Phil "Erikson talks about speed but nothing runs as fast as the ball".

REMAKING MISTAKES
I have to say my Spanish ground to a bit of a halt at the end. I can converse with people and book hotels but nothing more than that really. I went back to the hairdresser who had previously mis-understood my spanish and get his "Things I can do for balding men" book out. Anyway seven months later we are again chatting, he mis-understands me again and goes and gets his book. Either I´m shit at Spanish or he has an obssesion with curing my baldness.

RETURN
Spain is lovely and will survive without me. I want to come home and get stuck behind a desk in a dead end job, battle the tube every day, get rained on and pay through the nose for accommodation but overall there´s no place like home now is there?

That´s all folks, adios, sayenara, hasta luego, I´m out of here, the fat lady is clearing her throat and I´d better go.

Goodbye Barcelona, thank you Spain, you´ve been great.

Over and out....

Dan

For a long lasting reminder of my adventures log on to www.danjamieson.com