Chile: September (29.09.04)

Job Description of Raleigh International Assistant Logistics Manager

Qualities needed for the role:

SURVIVE 2.5 WEEKS
This has been achieved. Just.

ABILITY TO STAY ALIVE IN COLD CONDITIONS
I have just about survived our wilderness training. My bollocks are being defrosting as I type. The 40 staff heading off into the Reserva in the worst conditions seen in 28 expeditions - basically a driving blizzard. We had to complete a series of navigation and radio exercises in said blizzard and then attempt to bivvy (or sleep rough as I like to call) it without tents in the snow for two nights. Only 18 returned (that’s a joke by the way).

LITERALLY HOLD, A DRIVING LICENCE
Boss - “Ok before we get cracking can all the drivers give me their driving licences.”

Me - “Er, this may sound spectacularly dumb but didn’t think I needed one. I can get a fax of my UK driving licence”

Boss – “Has it got a photo ID?”

Me - “Er, no, its old and manky from when I fell in the river whilst punting in 1996”

Boss – “You can't drive till you have a international driving licence with photo ID and by the way the post takes 5 weeks to get here”

Doofus.
And so commenced 5 days of toil and trouble using pidgen Spanish to get electronic mug shots, filling in forms, failing to realise that the fax machine was actually plugged in…. Well, you get the picture. Anyway, thanks to the sterling & sterling efforts of Kate and Kev I believe I may have a driving licence before the end of 2005, or the expedition, which ever comes first.

EXPERIENCE OF LOGISTICS
My boss has 13 years of logistical Raleigh experience .
His Chilean wife has 13 years of logistical experience and local knowledge.
My partner in logistical crime is a 26 year old Swede called Nina who is quite literally doing a PHD in Logistics. And speaks better English then me. And has a driving licence.
I, on the other hand, have failed to deliver a lot of T-shirts in my time.

ADDITIONAL ABILITIES REQUIRED BY THE ROLE

ABILITY TO WALK ROUND SUPERMARKETS
Nina and I have an arrangement that she does the driving and I do the speaking in Spanish. Consequently, we walk round and round the supermarket getting directed to all the wrong things for hours. No we don’t want a pestle and mortar we need ‘pesto & water’ – that sort of thing.

ABILITY TOO LUG BOXES, TICK LISTS AND MAKE PILES
We have to make piles of food, from our lists and give them to the punters. As my employers know I am only happy when I’ve cut corners, buried my mistakes and slap-dashed my way through any task. Nina, being an anal logistician, is a little incompatible with me on that level but no one has yet starved to death.

ABILITY TO BE AT THE BECK AND CALL OF EVERYONE 24/7
Everything is logs fault. No, not actually, but when anything breaks, something is not delivered or some nob-end has plugged up the bogs I have to sort it out. Have taken to hiding in a snow hole.

ABILITY TO RUN
Every Chilean has by law to own a dangerous dog. Walking to town is like a Harry Potter style denouement.

ABILITY TO RUN A SHOP
We have opened a camp shop – “Dan and Nina’s Snack Shack Emporium”. We’ve bought the stock now we just need to market it properly. “Roll up, roll up, get your snacks. Walk 3 miles into town and the run the gauntlet of the dangerous dogs or pay our inflated prices. You decide”

ABILITY TO WALK
Still hobbling round like a ‘Constipated Penguin’ (copyright Jon Davie). Hoping to join local football team next week so learning the Spanish for “Do you need a glacier-paced English style centre-forward to shout in the wrong language a lot?”

ABILITY TO MASTER THE RADIO
“Hey I worked for Capital, I know all about radio” didn’t go down very well. Its all call sign this, Roger, Bravo let's go Tango that and the reason I’m up at 7am typing is that I’ve been on 24 hour radio duty just in case anyone had to be evacuated by helicopter. I overslept and had to jump out of bed in my boxys to grab the mike and have pulled my left hammy. Sierra, Hotel, India, Tango.

ABILITY TO SWIM
For some unknown reason my interview involved having to swim across an ice cold river while it was snowing. When I came round from CPR I was informed I had got the job.

ABILITY TO GET ON WITH YOUNG PEOPLE (Yes, that’s on, not off)
This has yet to be tested as the posh kids & crack peddlers aren’t out here till tomorrow. So far it's only staff and we’re bonded together as only a group who stared death in the face can. Phases 1 & 2 I will be in Field Base and Phase 3 I will be released back into the wild with a group of youngsters doing something constructive as yet to be specified.

ABILITY TO WRITE COMEDY SCRIPTS
Had them all rolling in the aisles with my hilarious comedy sketches and impressions of officious Germans. No, this is not a joke.

ABILITY TO SING AND DRESS UP IN WOMEN'S CLOTHES
I have been specifically chosen to sing 'I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK' to the kids with a chorus line of fellow male staff and then reveal my women's underwear. Why do I do it?

ABILITY TO RUN PUB QUIZZES
At last something I can actually do. Downloaded all the best questions from quiz-zone.com, throw in the Magnificent Seven and the jobs done.

DO NOT NEED IN ANYWAY

• Cambridge degree
• Marketing experience
• Scrabble
• Knowledge of the inside of UK media arse-bubble
• Scuba-diving qualification
• Shorts
• In depth knowledge of Liverpool FC
• Ability to spend ages on hotmail sending annoying messages to 273 people

LOCATION

• We have a nice office with a warm fire, which I don’t get to spend much time in coz I spend all day lugging boxes
• I live in a tent, which for those that know how much I hate camping and sleeping on the floor, is quite literally a pain in the ass.
• Beautiful views behind the clouds, apparently
• Close to transport (i.e. the Land Rover I’m not allowed to drive)
• Close to major metropolis – Coyhaique. About 50,000 people, mainly the military and the usual Chilean mini-people and their dangerous dogs.

SALARY

None, run out of money, no prospect of anymore

REFEREES
Trying to track down Derek, my old Scout Master in order to prove that I can actually survive on my own outdoors, put up a tent and could once walk.
That's it. I'm off to sing and dance and welcome the Venturers.....

Chile: September (09.09.04)

Sud America A Hoy!
The newspaper for the travelling classes.

Editor: Snr Hamieson
Printed: Lima, Peru

HEADLINE
Man found alive and well after completing Andean adventure

Legendary list-ticker and adventurer Dan Jamieson (25) completed the Inca trail yesterday and emerged from the Andes declaring himself "happy, yet knackered". Resting in his backpacking retreat in the dirty and ugly city of Lima, the explorer was pleased that his legs had made it over the long 4 day trek to the Inca citadel and that he had met lots of lovely people who seemed to all come from Brooklyn and be card-carrying liberal lawyers who knew of his sister.

Machu Picchu was both described as "amazing, impressive, a wonder of the world", and "crawling with fat Americans on cell phones, tour groups of German hikers who just got the train and lacking a significant Andean sundial beacuse they knocked it down for Spanish dignitaries so they could land their helicopter on the top when they came for a visit a few years before".

THE GUIDE...
Leo 'Senor Piedras de Pollo" or Mr Chicken Legs was excellent. Thanks to all those readers who recommended SAS Travel.

SPORT
Whilst in the hills near Cusco Mr Jamieson witnessed bizarre scenes as the local team Ciencieno Cusco won the South American Super Cup, beating Boca Juniors on penalties. He had been attempting to sleep but was woken by the screams of dementedly pissed porters all off their skulls celebrating the first time a Pervian team had won the title. Dan remarked "it's the equivalent of being in the foothills of Bucharest when they won the European Cup, or in Nottingham when they won". The following night back in Cusco was spent toasting the greatest two teams in the whole world - Ciencieno y Liberpool.

Thanks to Wayne Rooney for ending the blank expressions when travellers ask which part of Liverpool one's from - now when you say Aigburth, everyone from the UK knows that's where Rooney's whorehouse of choice is. One in the eye for all those who said Dan wasn't from the streets.

ADVERTISEMENT
Did you know that during Peruvian TV's football games a sixth of the screen is taken up with an advert every 30 seconds and the commentary is stopped for the cynical marketing messages? Now there's and idea we could use....

WORLD NEWS
The section everyone says they read but don't, prefering stories of people like Dan's human failings
Intrepid reporter Dan Jamieson (38-24-36) is due at Raleigh Field Base on September 11th. This is of course a very important day for the Chilean people. Some say its not as historic as the day in 1973 when those pro-democracy-spreading damn Yankees helped overthrown the elected Government and installed General Pinochet and his junta budies, but the locals feel it could be just as pivotal in their nation's history.

SPANISH CROSS WORDS

J
CABRON
O D
Ñ E
O R

HEALTH
Mr Jamieson was reportedly in rude health having survived a night club full of incident into the small hours before an early flight. A hint of 'grippe' or Spanish flu was predicted though. Contrary to other report his badly assembled legs worked perfectly during his 4 day Inca trail ordeal.

WOMEN'S PAGE
Left blank due to lack of content

THE REVIEW
Pretentious reviews of recently read pretentious books

The Art of Travel - Alain de Botton. "As Bauldelaire himself said - goal-orientated travellers are just wankers who like to shout "been there, done that at travel programmes!"

The Motorcycle Diaries - Che Guevara. "estu-fucking-pendo. I love his travelogue style of reportage and emails home" - Isabel Allende

ELECTRONIC LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
All welcome, all read and responded to appropriately

COMING SOON

TV
Get Me Out of My Temptation Fantasy Brat Camp - Coming Soon in multi-media. Website to be launched soon.

RADIO
Radio Raleigh to be launch on the unsuspected Chilean public in the next month. Reviews to follow.

SPECIAL PROMOTIONAL SUPPLEMENT (from August 17 to August 30)
The Camino de Santiago - why 'Walking Holiday' is a contradiction in terms by Dan Jamieson

1-2 Jon's glorious 700k achievement
3 Dan's disgrace in the moonlight after too much brandy
4-99 Dan's 252k of almost biblical-style suffering due to spaccy ankles
100 The End, thanks be to God

All rights reserved. Adios amigos