Chile: Radio Script 2 - October 31
INTROSound Effects: Land of Hope & Glory
Hola, Buenas Tardes, Ciao, Bienvenido to the Field Base Broadcasting Company. The time is 6.00pm standard Chilean time and the date is Sunday October 31st. Estupendo!
Two major things going on in the world. 1 It’s Halloween. Oooohhhhh and 2 Its Election week – ohhhhh. So we thought we’d combine them and start with a poll.
Which of these is the scariest?
1. Barry’s techno at full volume
2. The Alpha 1 lurgy
3. Graham’s radio lecture
4. John dressed up as a robot
5. Nina, in her shades, turning down logs requests
6. Or the scariest words in the English language, pause, ‘Hi this is Alpha 7, can we go on a daytrip?”
Coming up in the next half an hour we’ve got a show so packed, if it was a kayak, only Iain could paddle it
We’ve got
News, messages, polls, messages, updates & messages from all the groups
All the footie results
Claire has stepped into Norman’s place and will be bringing you Spanish chat up lines and how to turn down the unwanted attention of letchurous men.
There’s news from the 24 hour Field Base Broadcasting Centre News Epicentre of Information
And some more polls.
Ok, here’s the news of the views from the various Alpha groups
Alpha 1
Same staff, different venturers, same story. No, its not that they’ve all got the lurgy but they have apparently seen Killer Whales swimming off the Las Toninos beach.With Giraffes riding on the back of them. Of course they have. Graham and Dan had to rush down their to verify the sightings and all we saw was rain.Has the Dr of Love overdosed on loving? Or has he faked illness in order to spend time with Mrs Palm and her 5 lovely pink daughters? We await reports.Talking of Alpha 1 traditions, no-one has, as yet, caught the dreaded Kayak lurgy. This may come from them not actually leaving their tents.
Alpha 2
Confusion in Fieldbase when the previous camp name was changed to ‘Cannon camp’ after Yvonne. We’re looking forward to hearing from Brian May’s School of Soft Rock, Bagshaw’s World of Pain and Natalie House Frow of the Blonde Accountants. We’ll be expecting more news of ice-caps, snow holes and Yeti sightings over te next few weeks.
Alpha 3
“Hola, Nina Modig here with the update from the Swedish Jury up in the mountains. As you will expect I am here lying here in the snow with Jorn. I must say so far our rations have been excellent. I know fieldbase have been worried that they have heard no-one apart from Henry so far on the radio. This is because we are all involved in a science experiment with floor polish and thermals. You will be able to see our all adventures on Hot Swedish Girls in the Snow.com.
Alpha 4
The Alpha 4’s have been walking in a winter wonderland so far on this phase. Good job Bob’s fleece was already camoflaged to blend into the background as a big cuddly snowman so he can disappear and do no work. When we asked you to path build we don’t just want you to move snow off the driveway by the way.
For some reason Alpha 4 believe this radio show is their own private message service and have given us approximately 100 messages to relay to the rest. More on this news later.
Alpha 5
Alpha 5 have been obsessed with horses since they left. They’ve cleared 500m of path and are now running a betting shop and George is now setting the odds. So far there have been no health reps from Sally but we’re sitting by the radio with pen in hand.
They now have the pleasure of DEL Martin’s company for the next few days. The man who is alledgely in charge of all things organisational managed to almost set off without his rations.
Alpha 7
Most unexpected news of the week was that Alpha 7 had broken their radio, primarily through over-use. They would call and tell us but we’ve actually had some peace and quiet for a day or so.
And secondly, they have requested to go on a day trip again folks. This time to Argentina. Can you imagine anything could go wrong on that? Still at least everyone in field base will get to visit another country when we have to go and rescue them.
We were worried that Alpha 7 staff have taken over completely. All we get are staff on the radio, staff giving each other messages and staff losing things. Can we remind you, its all about the venturers, not day-trips.
Alpha 8
Now what would you expect from an entire Alpha group of staff. Hard work? Excellence at use of the radio? A love of the great outdoors using?
Well the news from Dave and his synchronised posse of pyschotic hedghogs is that they have broken their radio, they’ve spent every night so far in a Hospedaje and each morning they ring in their sit reps at 9.30am from the local internet café. Hmm. As for the groups legendary love of abstinence we have sent spies down south to monitor their refueling habits.
Alpha 6
Ah Ah Ah. Count Dracula Norman here. Ah Ah Ah. I have closed the Balmaceda Chuch of the latter Day Saints and replaced it with Count Dracula Norman’s Home of the Old Spanish Virgins. The Reverend Martin and his blonde assistant Sally Anne and all the venturers are locked in the crypt. Ah ha ha. Sally Mills was last seen running for the airport, but my bats will catch her and bring her back to me. Ah Ah Ah. I have an long list of resupply requests - I do not want any garlic, any steaks, no wood. Thankfully Balmaceda has no sunlight. That’s all from the Prince of Darkness.
Field Base
Everyone has fallen into their natural roles
Jim and Claire are being mum and dad, cooking and chopping logs
James is sleeping and adding “need a kip” to his to do list
Dan is grumbling and moaning so is happy
Ali is in charge of shit music, bad multi-coloured jumpers and giggling and making up job titles for us all.
Martin was last seen running for the hills, he left so quickly he didn’t even take food with him.
And now a word from our sponsors
Advertisement
Hola Soy Victor, of Victor’s cabs tonights special sponsor. I love Operacion Raleigh. Me encanta all the lovely blonde girls. I especially love the idiot chicos who get stuck in Puerto Tranquillo and have to pay me a fortune to get back. So if you need a ride, anytime and from anywhere, call me Victor, and my coche of love. This is Senor Victor of Victors cabs saying Bueanos Noches happy campers.
MESSAGES & GOSSIP
Sound Effects: Big Brother
As is the way with all news media these days all hard news has been replaced by gossip, slander and a close attention to the priavte lives of famous people. Therefore we have some messages from all the groups to each other. Those who want to go and make a cup of tea on a open fire should go and do it now as this is going to take ages.
A4Rachel to Steph/ Kate - Hi and I miss you
Steve/ Michael and Shital to George (A5) - Happy birthday for 1st Nov
Michaela to Owen/ Steph and Coca - Hello, I miss you
Chris to Claire - Missing you lots
Rachel to Ed from Busted : Love you
A5
George (A5) to Antonia - Happy birthday
A6
From A6 to George and Claire: Happy birthday
Claire T to Chris (A4): Hugs and kisses
Kate to Shital and Frankie: Hello
Ruaridh/ Paul/ Jack to Duracell - Have you Savaged anything in the water yet ?Jack to Grumpy in A3: Hi
A7
Maria to Dave: Hello Big Boy
A7 Staff to Georgia, Laura and Antonia: Hi
Fieldbase to A7 – once again, can we remind you to let the venturers have a go on the radio please, sorry to take up 30 minutes of your airtime
Fieldbase to Rachel in A4 “Pull yourself together girl”
Finally has Jack used some of his Aussie charm to catch himself a young girl in the bush?
Studs and Studdesses poll continues but there have been more votes for Pat in (A7) – must be his hair and his ability to rescue young ladies from dangerous situations. (though he did put them in danger in the first place)
HAPPY BIRTHDAYS
Sound Effects: Happy Birthday
My name is Graham Hornsey, and not a lot of people know that this is a record week for birthdays. I am really excited. On Wednesday its Claire Brunning’s birthday and it is also Pete Donnelly’s who turns 21. Antonia also turns 21 next week while tomorrow George becomes a man and turns 18. We’d all raise a glass to him, but we can’t. And remember you’re only supposed to blow the bloody candles out when you are supplied with cakes.
Now over the Field Base Broadcasting Corporation news container for all the supply of news that’s fit for human consumption. James, James, wake up man!, who have you got snuggled up in your sleeping bag of news for us tonight?
NEWS
Sound Effects: Dambusters
Osama Bin Laden has raised his ugly head again. This time he’s sent a tape to the world media, admitting his part in 9/11 and threatening more, just before the US Elections on Tuesday. Unfortunately this has had the desired affect of tipping the polls in George Bush’s favour. Call us cynical but is Bin Laden actually working on behalf of the Republican party? Polls have Bush of 48, Kerry on 44. The biggest election in the world is on Tuesday.
Bong
The second biggest election on earth is taken place in Coyhaique today as the locals go to the polls to choose their counsellors. My personal favourite is Javier “Superman” Soto – I’m the protector of Coyhaique.
Bong
John Peel died aged 65. Top scouser and godfather of radio 1 he will be missed by many, especially by white, lonely, middle class men who like listening to inpenetrable music during their spotty teenage years in their bedrooms on their own.
Sound Effects: Top of the Pops
The top 10 in the Uk is
(10) R Kelly - Happy People/U Saved Me
(9) The Libertines - What Became of the Likely Lads
(8) Duncan James & Keedie - I Believe My Heart
(7) Dannii Minogue Vs Flower Power - You Won't Forget About Me
(6) Kelis feat. Andre 3000 - Millionaire
(5) Khia - My Neck My Back (Lick It)
(4) Jay Sean - Stolen
(3) Daniel Bedingfield - Nothing Hurts Like Love
(2) Eric Prydz - Call On Me
(1) Ja Rule feat. R Kelly & Ashanti - Wonderful
WEATHER
Snow, blizzards, storms, rain, cloud, hail. Just a normal week in Region x1. If you wanted nice weather you all should have gone on Raleigh in Africa so stop whinging.
Now over to Jim for his world of sport
SPORT
Sound Effects: Tennis
Premiership
Things still rumble on from last Sunday’s clash of the titans between United and Arsenal. Ruud van Nisterlroy has been charged with trying to maim Ashley Cole with a knee high tackle, now Man U are trying to get Thierry Henry done for knobling Heinze off the ball.
We all enjoyed Manchester United losing to Portsmouth 2-0Arsenal scapped a 2-2 draw with rubbish Southampton with a last minute equalizer and Liverpool failed to take advantage by drawing 2-2 with Blackburn away. Djibril Cisse broke his leg at the same ground Liverpool had two broken legs last season.
Chelsea were the most impressive winners of the weekend, winning 4-1 against mangerless West Brom.Our Geordie friends will be gutted to hear that for the first time in 12 matches they lost, 2-1 away to Bolton.
Mid-table rubbish involved
Everton 1 Aston Villa 1
Birmingham 0 – Crystal Palace 1
Fulham 2 – Spurs 0
So the table looks like this
The Arse top on goal difference from Chelsea on 26
Everton still strangelty third on 23
Bolton on 21
Boro on 18
Liverpool sixth on 17 above Manchester United on goal difference
Newcastle eight on 16
In League Division 1 as we like to call it
Leeds 0 – Wigan 2
Reading 2 Coventry 3
Ipswich 3 – Preston 0
QPR 3 – Burnley 0
Watford 2 – Nottingham Forest 1 – bad news for Martin
Cardiff 0 – Leicester 0
The table looks like this
Wigan top on 36
Ipswich & Reading on 30
QPR 4th on 29
With Sunderland and West Ham tied on 28
Sheffield United 6 on 26
Stoke at 7th on 24 – Bob don’t get too excited.
All played 16
Leicester are 14th and Forest 3rd from bottom on 13
News from ScotlandRangers won 5-0 and Celtic won 3-2. Boring. Vogts to be sacked on Monday.
This week its back on the money train with the Champions League. Meanwhile over in Spain little Michael Owen has now scored 3 winners in 3 games and looks set to start this week.
And in other Sport
Unfortunately the Aussies opened a can of whup ass on the Indians in cricket and won their first series away in India for 3 decades. Whup di do.
NORMAN’S SPANISH
Sound Effects: Benny Hill
Now over to Claire for our second instalment of our ‘How to pull in Spanish’
Claire…
Raleigh International- Spanish Lesson Radio Show 31/10/2004
Hola Campistas mojadas!
Hello wet campers
Hello it’s Claire here, your Spanish teacher for today. I have ejected Norman from this seat of responsibility. Today I will share with you the art of getting rid of people you don’t want around and generally being ‘una lengua venenosa’ (poisonous tongue).
Picture the scene, you have spotted a very attractive boy and his ugly mate comes over! Listen to the following dialogue:
Sound effects: general piano love music
Boy: Estás solo?
Are you alone?
Girl: Si, pero estoy esperando al médico del amor
Yes, but I am expecting the Doctor of Love
Boy: Quieres tomar algo?
Would you like a drink?
Girl: No gracias, Estoy con Raleigh y no puedo beber.
No thanks, I’m with Raleigh, I can’t drink.
Boy: Bailamos?
Do you want to dance?
Girl: No, tienes un moco en la narriz y tienes legañas
No, you have snot in your nose and goo in your eyes.
Boy: Los ojos son azules como el Lago Verde
Your eyes as blue as Lago Verde
Girl: Desgraciadamente, tengo la vista perfecta y puedo ver que eres muy feo
Unfortunately I have perfect vision and I can see that you are very ugly.
Boy: Dame un pico
Give me a little kiss
Girl: No!, que le pasa? Tienes aliento de dragón. Eres un asco. Déjeme en paz y vas apreter las espinillas
No way! What’s wrong with you! You have dragon breath! You are disgusting. Leave me in peace and go and squeeze your blackheads.
Sound effects: Hot Chocolate, you sexy thing.
Girl: Dios mio! El medico del amor ha entrado el edificio! Es un tipo muy caliente. Huele muy bien- mmmm humo de leña y virilidad!Oh my god!
The Doctor of Love has entered the building! He’s super buff and smells so good- mmmm woodsmoke and unwashed manly smell!
Dr Love: Estás sola?
Are you alone?
Girl: Si, había esperándote todo mi vida
Yes, I have been waiting for you all my life
Dr Love: Quieres tomar un cafecito en mi carpa?
Do you want to come back to my tent for coffee?
Girl: Si, pero tengo tres amigas divinas que gustarían venir tambien. Te molestaría?
Yes, but I know my 3 stunningly attractive friends would like to come too. Would that be ok?
Dr Love: Claro, es completamente natural
Of course, it’s entirely natural
Girl: Vámanos!
Let’s go!
All: DO IT………
Thank you Claire, more from her and the Dr Love next week.
SIGN OFF
Finally Dave was sent out a copy of Maxim by his friends. Obviously they thought he was continuing to be single and needed some light hand relief. Anyway in there were some interesting poll results.
If these apply to you women will not sleep with you.
Hairy back 36%
Unemployed 43%
Bad Table manners 52%
Sandles with Socks 69%
Snorty Laugh 31%
Goggle eyes 38%
Unfortunately, this applies to most of you so you’d better worry. However your odds with the ladies will improve if you
Are very loud and show off a lot 40%
Smoke and hang out round the side of the barn 60%
Play terrible music at the end of parties
18%Take your top off a the merest hint of sunshine 12%
Being too cool to enjoy silly games at parties 0%
Gracias, Buenos Noches, Ciao Ciao, Adios, Hasta Luego
That’s all folk. And in the immortal words of Jerry Springer “Look after yourselves and each other”. And here’s a simple song with a simple message.
SONG – Take That ‘Back for Good’
Chile: October (18.10.04)
Radio Raleigh launched by the FBBC* to widespread acclaimFor those of you blissfully unaware of what actually goes on down here we have about 60 venturers and 30 staff in the field doing various good-works out in the wilds of Chile.
Their only contact with the outside world is through a long-wave, two-way radio which keeps Field Base (ie me and 8 other staff) in touch with them every 12 hours. Each Sunday night at 6pm they literally huddle together to listen to a ‘radio show’ put on by Field Base (ie me and 8 other staff) for their 'enjoyment'. I’ve recreated my first broadcast for you below.
As a leaving present from Capital they gave me a series of jingles and backing tracks, which saved on my Ipod, have helped spice up the aural entertainment.
6.00pm Sound Effects: Land of Hope & Glory 1min
"Hola, Buenas Tardes, Senoras y Senoritas, Bienvenido to the *Field Base Broadcasting Corporacion. The time is 6.00pm standard Chilean time and the date is Sunday October 17. Estupendo!"NEWS UPDATE Sound Effects: Dambusters 15 sec"Now for a news update, we go direct to James in the FBBC news bunker. James what have you got in your news-napsack for us tonight…"BONG
My own personal update says I am well and well-fed. BONG
The venturers arrived and unleashed hell. Nina, Dr of Logistics, and me her logstical-gimp, had to work 16 hours a day to keep the little funkers fed, watered and filled up on snacks. Average day started at 7am and finished about 11pm. There were runs to the shops, errands, running Nina and Dan Snack Shack Emporium, arse-wiping, delivering breakfast, lunch and tea and issuing them with personal kit. The only moments I had to myself were on the can. Overall, this was initially fun and stimulating and gradually gave way to grumpiness and whining martyrdom. BONG
The venturers themselves were a wide ranging bunch of ex-heroin addicts and posh girls (I’ve been working hard on de-bunking stereotypes by the way). They were all remarkably nice though.BONG
Eventually they buggered off into the hills and I could relax, well, for about 24 hours before I was bundled out the door and sent to join one of the groups making the Sendero (see below). The Sendero is a path that will runs the length of Chile and when completed will celebrate their bi-centenary. Raleigh are helping to make it using chain-gang style labour.BONG
I arrived like a latter-day Marilyn Monroe to keep morale of the troops high. I, of course, failed in this mission due to constant p*ss-taking and idleness. I arrived and immediately they had a rest day, which was excellent. We went for a soggy walk in the drizzle to hunt for Chile’s national animal, the huemul – a kind or cack, nearly extinct, mini-deer. We thought the guide, to cover his ineptness, was going to put on a pair of antlers and leap out from behind a bush but as it turned out, he was a huemul-finding genuis and we saw 3 of the them. There are only 9 in the whole national park so we had a nice meal, washed them down with a nice Chianti and retired to bed. BONG
The staff and venturers were all good fun and it was a pleasure to help their development by hammering on their personal weaknesses and belittling anyone who took my air-time.BONG
We came back to field base and I immediately had my first real day off in five weeks. Newsreader James and I went off for a big gay night out, having a meal together in town and then retiring to a hotel to our (separate) luxury beds. The room had the twin benefits of cable TV and a bath. Both were used fully; watching the OC, various world cup qualifiers and the final US President debate. Good to see the race is now redneck and neck. This was followed by a lie-in in a bed, oh sweet Lord.BONG
Then it was back to base camp for the build up to the return of the little b*ggers.
(Note to self: remember to score some crack and get the gymkana rosettes for the Snack Shack)FIRST SONG(Now if you can imagine this, I actually sung this down the line, with a group of male backing singers for the chorus. Dangerous dogs all across Chile we’re heard howling in the moonlight)
Keane – Somewhere only we know (Making the Sendero)
We walk across an empty landWe build the pathway with our bare handsWe feel the earth beneath our feetSit by the river, the path’s not completeOh simple things where have you gone?We’re getting tired and we need chocolate to rely onSo tell me when the rain’s gonna endWe’re getting tired and we need drinking to beginWe came across a fallen treeWe felled the branches that were looking at meIs this the place we grew to love?Is this the place that we've been dreaming of?Oh simple things where have you gone?We’re getting tired and we’ve got beanfeast to rely onSo tell me when the wind’s gonna endWe’re getting tired and we need showers to beginSo if you have a minute why don't you go?
Talk about making the SenderoThis could be the end of everythingSo why don't we goMaking the SenderoSomewhere only we know?"We’re available for all weddings, parties and barmitzvas by the way." ADVERTSWe even had adverts in our show. Graham, my Logs boss – ex-RAF, trained to kill, wasn’t listening – speaks like Michael Caine. Hence the impression…
"Now for a word from our sponsors...
My name is Graham Hornsey, not a lot of people know that I sponsor Raleigh. When I asked A7 to renovate the old people’s home, they were only supposed to blow the bl**dy doors off. Now I’ve got to go and sort it out.
So if you’ve got a problem, and no-one else can help, contact someone who gives a monkeys.
Logs, logs, logs, logs, logs, logs (to the tune of SKOL).
(high pitched voice, female voice) For all your logistical needs remember to dial 0 anytime, day or night. Note delivery takes ages. Smiles not included."
"Now over to Martin for his world of sport"SPORT Sound Effects: Theme to the Tennis 10 secPING
Still not managed to play any real sport. Am currently the reigning table tennis champion and ridiculously over-competitive at volleyball but no football as of yet. Been for a couple of runs and was actually bitten on my leg by a dangerous dog. I returned later that night and tortured it, by singing.PONG
Enjoyed watching highlights of England v Azerbaijan, only because it was a place more cold and windy than here, and I was in a hotel.WEATHER"Experts predict unpredictability. As they say on the Chilean version of The Fast Show – ‘No Scorchio’"NORMAN’S SPANISH Sound Effects: Benny Hill (for some unknown reason)
Norman, our fieldbase interpreter, is 53 and been giving Spanish lessons over the radio. This week I had to pretend to be a woman whilst someone else tried to chat me up in Spanglish. Don’t know if this was helping anyone, least of all me.
Unfortunately, whenever I speak Spanish I come across like a Mexican bandido. When I casually mentioned to Nina in the supermarket that "Ham’s up, its daylight robbery" they overheard and thought I’d just said "hands up, it’s a robbery". We were released without charge.
"Thank you Norman, and more from his slightly bizarre world next week."GOSSIP Sound Effects: Big Brother 10 secsThe venturers and all the other staff are at it like rabbits. I look on with a detached air.HAPPY BIRTHDAY Sound Effects: Happy Birthday by Altered Images"My name is Graham Hornsey, and not a lot of people know that on Friday it’s my birthday. Everyone sings Happy birthday…Thank you, and remember I only told you to blow the bl**dy candles out."SIGN OFF Sound Effects: 50’s backing track"Gracias, Buenos Noches, Ciao Ciao, Adios, Hasta Luego Senoritas.
OK there you have it, this week’s broadcast from the FBBC. This is me, Dan, wishing you all a pleasant evening lying naked in the snow because we forgot to give you a tent. Please remember that weather is only a state of mind and whinging is a disease only cured by extreme violence. Nighty night happy campers. And here’s an appropriate song to leave you with.LAST SONG – Weather with you. Crowded HouseYes, the show was greeted with silence the first time as well.REVIEWS"Radio Raleigh was a triumph over adversity, la." The Liverpool Echo
"What the fu*k are you on?." Scally from Newcastle The Sun
"Marvellous, super, smashing, when does it start?." Posh bird The Telegraph
"Capital Punishment Radio, more like." Keith Pringle The Evening Standard
"Don’t give up the day job. Oh, you have." Carl Lyons The Grauniad
RAJAR audience results
61 venturers----------------------------------- 18-2534 staff ------------------------------------------ 25-552 Bemused Chilean Radio Hams ------ 55+6 Huemels --------------------------------------- Age unknown
Chile: Radio Script 1 - October 17
INTROSound Effects: Land of Hope & Glory
Hola, Buenas Tardes, Ciao, Bienvenido to the Field Base Broadcasting Company. The time is 6.00pm standard Chilean time and the date is Sunday October 17. Estupendo!
Coming up in the next half an hour we’ve got a show so packed, if it was a rucksack, only Joern could carry it.We’ve got A special song for you News, gossip, updates & messages from all the groups All the footie results, including a laugh at Scotland You can learn some more useful Spanish from Norman’s School of the Surreal There’s news from the 24 hour Field Base Broadcasting Centre News Bunker Plus some official announcements and stuff like thatTo start us off here’s a song you may be familiar with from cooking in the barn, Whilst you’re all away Roy from Keane popped into the fieldbase to record this special version of their song Somewhere only we know (Making the Senero) for A4 and A5 KEANE – SOMEWHERE ONLY WE KNOW (MAKING THE SENDERO)
We walk across an empty landWe build the pathway with our bare handsWe feel the earth beneath our feetSit by the river, the path’s not completeOh simple things where have you gone?We’re getting tired and we need chocolate to rely onSo tell me when the rain’s gonna endWe’re getting tired and we need drinking to beginWe came across a fallen treeWe felled the branches that were looking at meIs this the place we grew to love?Is this the place that we've been dreaming of?Oh simple things where have you gone?We’re getting tired and we’ve got beanfeast to rely onSo tell me when the wind’s gonna endWe’re getting tired and we need showers to beginSo if you have a minute why don't you go?Talk about making the Sendero?This could be the end of everythingSo why don't we goMaking the SenderoSomewhere only we know?Remember this record is not available in any shops. We’re available for all weddings, parties and barmitzvas by the way. Ok now for updates on the various groupsAlpha 1Fieldbase are getting increasingly worried about the effects of the constant rain on Alpha 1’s sanity. Sightings of hummingbirds and dolphins we expected, but over the past few days, their reports have become more and more erratic.
They have apparently spotted a giraffe, a crocodile and most recently the Loch Ness Monster. Alledgedly Lord Lucan paddled past yesterday. Ali would just like to re-iterate the Raleigh policy on drug use. When we said have a good trip we didn’t mean that kind. Now we go over to our roving report Verity for Alpha 2’s report …Alpha 2Sound Effects: 50’s musics“Hello campers, its me, Verity here, reporting for the FBBC. Lovely. I’m coming to you live and direct from a snow hole way up a mountain in the middle of Chile. I can report that the snow is cold, the rain is wet and the beanfeast is very windy. Marvellous. We’ve all been feasting on macaroni, chocolate and had lashings of ginger beer. We’ve dug snow holes, climbed mountains, seen amazing sights and somehow remained warm and toasty. Unfortunately, I may have to return to London shortly, yes, children sad I know, as I have been given the job as the new presenter of Blue Peter, isn’t that super? So on that sad note this is me, Verity, for the FBBC, listening aht – Goodnight campers.”Thank you Verity, more from her next weekAlpha 3Frank rang in with Alpha 3’s description of their week. He has been sleeping outside, naked in the snow to compete with Joern so bare with him...Pyromaniacs Alpha 3 have been trying to solve their obsession with exploding pressure cookers by cooling down by swimming in glacial lakes and dancing on ice-bergs.
Sighting of condors and pumas and Joern sleeping naked in the snow have made the journey so far eventful.With bush-bashing taking place in the hear, otherwise known as snow, much spinning has been done at night to keep warm.During the phase Alpha 3 have been so secluded that washing and grooming have been at a minimum, A3 sources report that Kate’s cup is now furry (Must have been all the bush-bashing Maria has been showing her)Next week A3 are off up uncharted peaks and attending wedding celebrations between Shital and the four Chilean farmers the Nef has to offer.In conclusion Alpha 3 hope everyone will Roger that. And enjoy the craic, is what I think Frank said at the end.Alpha 4James and Dan visited their site like a latter-day Marylin Monroe and Dame Vera Lynn to keep the morale of the troops high. They failed in their mission due to out-right laziness and constant piss-taking. Since our departure news has reached us of a military coup co-ordinated by General Mark the not so gentle Giant. Apparently, the foot soldiers weren’t working hard enough for him. Half of them have been banished to the hills led by Liz and her fellow bandidas Sonja and Emma. Happily though during the coup Nurse Bagshaw was able to get back to what she does best – amputating the limbs of whingers. Bob got so excited during all the commotion that he managed to get some mysterious white sticky substance all over himself which he claims is candle wax. And we trust the word of a man who say he’s seen 15 huemels when there are only 9.Ollie slept through everything of course.Despite all this they’ve finished the Sendero and are now digging in for the trench warfare between the two factions. More news to follow. Back at Fieldbase A4 will be pleased to note that James is still regular and would be here but is asleep in his tent.Alpha 5Now they’ve flatten the entire reserva out the back they’ve moved on to widen the Sendero into a motorway over in the Tamango Reserva. On their way through they swapped Nina for Jen and Natalie, which seemed a fair enough trade to us. Sally the medic has been poisoning their water supply to keep herself occupied while the neighbouring Argentinians have rung in to ask if Paul Winter could keep the noise down as they can’t sleep with him going on about himself all the time. Finally, A5 have been using trees to break up their chainsaws, rather than the other way round, so that’ll be another resupply then.Alpha 7Alpha 7 have become local celebrities following their appearance on the front page of the local Aysen newspaper, SJ’s interview on the radio and coverage in the national newspaper El Mercurio.
We thought this local interest had reached a peak on Wednesday when there were lots of fireworks and a massive parade in the town, but we later learnt that it was to celebrate Coyhaique’s 75 year anniversary rather than Alpha 7 finally finishing the digging. Despite the arduous work of contacting Fieldbase every hour on the hour, they have achieve a lot on their site, primarily, what is claimed to be the world’s finest long drop. Alpha 6We had to do the Alpha 6 news at the end because they’re always late with their reports so its only fair we make them wait. They also stared in the national media coverage along with Alpha 7, but the wind blew all their newspapers away. Reports reach us that they’ve been to Puerto Ibanez for a day out on the beach. To quote Barry ‘We had a cushty meal of chicken and chips then spent the evening walking abht in only our T-shirts. Meanwhile Martin has been making an international standard conference facility out of washing up bottles and stick backed plastic. Plans for a dry ski slope are taking shape.Field BaseIn between getting all the things you’ve been asking for we at the Field Base Broadcasting Corporation have been very busy. Ali and Sergio have been down to Villa O’Higgins to check out future projects down there and are off to Santiago this week to talk to potential partners, by the way that’s work partners. Nat and Jen have been off to Tamango, Nina to A5 up in the Reserva, Dan and James off making the Sendero, and Norman and Antonia have been shaking their booty’s with Alpha 7 down at the Coyhaique celebrations. The action packed programme for changeover is nearly complete and we can confirm that the showers remain at an excellent temperature for your impending arrive.That’s the Alpha group news. now for a word from our sponsors
My name is Graham Hornsey, not a lot of people know that I sponsor Raleigh. When I asked A7 to improve the old people’s home in Coyhaique, they were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off. Now I’ve got to go and sort it out.So if you’ve got a problem, and no-one else can help, contact someone who gives a $%&%^.
Logs, logs, logs, logs, logs, logs (to the tune of SKOL). For all you logistical needs remember to dial 0 anytime, day or night. Note delivery takes ages. Smiles not included.GOSSIPSound Effects: Big Brother
Usually this would be brought to you by Natalie, our ‘roving reporter of romance’, but as she’s out collecting gossip from the field so we’ve had to make stuff up in her absence. Rumors reach us that a certain member of Busted and pig-tailed school-girl in Alpha 7 have been getting close in the radio tent of love. Our spies remain out in force.
And is there a possible romance brewing on the high seas with Alpha 1 and the Kayakers? Have two venturers been warming each other up after the end of a wet day? Or is it another hallucination. We need to know more.Raleigh would like to remind everyone that honesty is always the best policy and of course we only want accurate information to be passed over the airwaves, so let Natalie know what going on in your Alpha group.TOP BIRDS AND BABES
The votes have come flooding in for the position of camp stud and camp studesses.
Votes cast so far for the boys have includedDr Jim ‘Have you met my lovely wife’ Brunning (A1)Matt (A1) Dave (A7) Chris (A1) Alpha 1 males doing particularly well this week.And in the ladies categoryStephanie (A7) Shital (A3)Pat (A7) has made a surprise entry into the girls category…hes picked up two votes. Must be the hair.They say that elections are failing to engage the youth of today. We say vote now and vote often.MESSAGES Michaela and Pete from Alpha 7 say “hello Owen in Alpha 5…the photos are developed, we’ve got much better suntan’s than you and we are living in tented luxury….wet wipes.. by-the-way!”
Michael also say’s “hello to Coca in Alpha 5..see you in a week”
Dave in Alpha 5 says “Hello to Maria in Alpha 3…Looking forward to seeing you at Changeover!”
Pete from Alpha 7 says “Hello and Happy Birthday to Shitel in Alpha 3…I’ll be back to collect my kiss!”
Pete from Alpha 7 also say’s “Hi to Martin and Barry in Alpha 6…crack on, Geordie boys rock and see you in a week”
Finally, hunky instructor Ian has a secret admirer, hopefully more on that laterHAPPY BIRTHDAYSSound Effects: Happy BirthdayMy name is Graham Hornsey, and not a lot of people know that on Friday it’s my birthday. It is also Rena in Alpha 5’s birthday too. Also this week Neilion and Shital have birthdays as well so I suggest everyone sings happy birthday to each other down the handset. Don’t be shy, no-one knows who the person who can’t sing in tune is.
Wait for it, wait for it. Happy birthday…Thank you, and remember I only told you to blow the bloody candles out.Now over the Field Base Broadcasting Corporation news bunker for all the news matter that matters. James, James, wake up man!, what have you got for us in your news napsack tonight?NEWSSound Effects: DambustersBongUS elections. Good news for the whole world is that the American election is too close to call. Kerry has done well in the televised debates and has a lead in some polls depending on which news network you listen to. With 17 days to go, the race is redneck and neck.BongThe investigation in the disappearance of Lord Lucan has been reopened. This is not a joke and it has nothing to do with the reported sightings of him by Alpha 1.Bong Tony Blair wants to be PM for a full third term and won’t try and win a fourth. His opponents inside and outside his party don’t know whether to laugh or cry.Bong It was a sad week for Chile as Cardinal Juan Francisco Fresno died at the age of 90. He had played a key role in efforts to restore democracy in Chile during the military dictatorship by the way.Bong Coyhaique celebrated its 75 year anniversary this week with parades, a firework display and a display of bad dancing from Alpha 7.WEATHER
Since Norman’s spanish lesson last week you should all be able to describe all the weather we’ve seen in Region 11 this week. We’ve had rain, wind, snow, sun and fog. Experts predict unpredictability, so more of the same then. As they say on the Chilean version of The Fast Show – ‘Scorchio y lluvia’Now over to Martin for his world of sportSPORTSound Effects: TennisEngland has a good week winning comfortably 2-0 against Wales and 1-0 away in Azerbaijan. Goals from Lampard and a screamer from Beckham secured the first win, while Michael Owen scored the only goal over in Baku, which means City of Wind and is twinned with Balmaceda. The match was awful and so was the weather.The news has been dominated by Beckham admitting he got himself deliberately booked so as to miss the Azerbaijan game so he could serve his suspension while injured. Lots of pontificating followed, as did and apology and then we all got on with our lives.Talking of awful Scotland we’re terrible against Norway, losing 1-0 and then drew 1-1 with Moldova, yes that’s drew with Moldova 1-1. Berti Vogts is expected to be sacked this week.
Wales went from bad to worse and lost 3-2 at home to Poland on Wednesday and are now managerless and somehow below Northern Ireland who managed a creditable 3-3 draw with Austria, scoring in the last minute.Finally, the Republic of Ireland top their group having drawn impressively with France 0-0 on Saturday and won 2-0 against the mighty Faroe Islanders on Wednesday.Premiership In the Premiership this weekend boring boring Aresnal won 3-1 against Villa extending their unbeaten run to 49 games, yawn, and opened up a 5 point lead over Chelsea. We enjoyed their first loss of the season, going down 1-0 to Man City.Man U managed a goal-less draw against Birmingham and afterwards Red nose Ferguson was conceding the title as the Manc Scum languish 11 points behind the Arse already.Performance of the week came from Liverpool who stormed back from 2-0 down at half time against Fulham to win 4-2. Come ‘ed your mighty Reds, aint that right Stevie lad.For the toon army, the Geordies only drew 1-1 with Charlton away.As for the boring teams. Bolton 1 Palace 0Everton 1 Southampton 0West Brom 0 Norwich 0Blackburn 0 Middlesbrough 4So the league looks like this
Arsenal top on 25Chelski on 20Everton, bizarrely on 19Bolton 4th on 15Boro 5th on 14Man U on 14And Liverpool are poised to race up to fourth as they are on 13 and have a game in handNewcastle 8th on 13 tooAt the bottom its Palace 5Southampton 5Norwich and Blackburn on 6. No-one would be upset to see the back of that lot.In the ridiculously named Championship we hadWest Ham 0 QPR 1Plymouth 1 Wigan 2Ipswich 1 Burnley 1Stoke 0 Reading 0Coventry 1 Leicester 1Gillingham 1 Sheffield United 3Wolves 0 Forest 1The table looks like this
Wigan on 27Reading and QPR on 26Ipswich 4th on 25With Sunderland and West Ham tied on 21.Stoke are 7th on 20Sheffield United 8thAll played 13Leicester are 11th and have replaced Mickey Adams with Harry Bassett – like that’s going to work.Forest 20th.Scottish resultsBusiness as usual in Scotland Celtic won 3-0 v Hearts and Rangers 2-0And in other Sport
India are actually beating the Aussies a cricket in the second test and lead after 4 days.Andy Robinson has been appointed England Rugby coach after Clive Woodward went mad and started wanting to coach football.Jamie Burnett scored 148, the highest break ever in Snooker, he started with a free ball for the smartarses.NORMAN’S SPANISHSound Effects: Benny Hill
Now over to DJ Normski for another instalment of his unique brand of Spanish teaching. This week its how to pull the ladies in a high wind isn’t it Norman?Norman…Sound Effects: Romantic Piano MusicThank you Norman, more from his slightly bizarre world next week.ANNOUNCEMENTSSound Effects: Dambusters
Now for 4 official announcements from the powers that be. Time to get writing Each Alpha group must supply 100 words about their phase for the newsletter. It should be about your adventures, what you’ve actually done and general stuff about the people in your group. You will need to supply it over the radio on Wednesday or give it to visiting fieldbase staff.
For example Antonia knows that George has some great song lyrics, could he write them down for us and send them in. A number of you have a lot to say for yourselves so put some of it down for heaven’s sake.Time to get performing Each Alpha Group should return to Field Base ready to perform a skit to the rest of the expedition about what they have been getting up to on phase one. It can anything you want it to be and as all singing and all dancing as you want. You’ll be acted them out on Sunday, the night you’re all coming back on.Time to get partying Finally, Field Base will be throwing a ‘Hell of a Halloween Party!’ on the Monday night. The dress code will be fancy dress of course. The theme is ghostly and goulish, make of it what you will.Time to get time off Can staff members indicate at the radio check on Tuesday who wants to take time out over the changeover? Maximum 2 per group, cost about $9,000. SIGN OFF
Gracias, Buenos Noches, Ciao Ciao, Adios, Hasta Luego
OK there you have it, this week’s broadcast from the FBBC, total audience about 100, a few bemused Chilean radio enthusiasts and 9 huemuls. This is me, Dan, wishing you all a pleasant evening in your tents, up on your mountain sides or lying naked in the snow. Please remember the weather is only a state of mind. See you all in a week. Nighty night happy campers. SONG – Weather with you. Crowded House
