Remember Dan, it's not show-friends, it's show-business

To read my account of what happened when they decided to put the dan in redundant go to

http://tvnme.blogspot.com

Reality meet TV in a altogether more unexpected way

Autumn Guardian Recruitment Fair

Date
Thursday October 27

Visitor Information
You are all invited to all present me with a variety of highly paid and interesting new job / baby sitting opportunities

Exhibitors
The cream of London's media marketing and baby-creating society

Venue
Three Kings Public House, Clerkenwell, from 6.30pm onwards, I'll be selling the Big Issue outside and will join you when I have made enough money

Catering
The Gulshan will be laying on a finger buffet after the guest speakers have given their talk

Guest Speakers
Carl Lyons: Current Marketing Director, 47.9 Capital FM
"Remember, it's not show-friends it's show-business"

Dan Jamieson: Ex-Head of Marketing, 95.8 Capital FM
"D-Cap Day and what management synergies and cost-base reduction mean to me"

A word from our Sponsors

Carolyn McCall: Managing Director, GNL
"Frankly since the halcyon old days circa 1996-9, the size of Guardian readership is so much smaller these days we had to reduce the size of the newspaper accordingly. I'm pleased G-Cap's new management are doing the same with their marketing staff"

Alan Rusbridger: Editor of the Guardian
"The Guardian is now the perfect size. It now fits nicely between the two stools of broadsheet gravitas and tabloid impact. We're happy to sponsor this job fair dedicated to the outcomes of down-sizing"

Website
http://media.guardian.co.uk/radio/story/0,12636,1585536,00.html

Free carrierbags full of leaflets for every visitor

Evening Classes for Men

(I received this and didn't write it but felt it needed a suitable response)

ALL ARE WELCOME: OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

LOO ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

Evening Classes For Women

ALL ARE WELCOME: OPEN TO WOMEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. Bring female best friend if you feel daunted

The course covers two days, but extra time is available at the end to go over and over things:

DAY ONE

NAGGING
Which buttons to press and when

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN OFF AND ONSIDE
Practicing with Subbuteo figures (Pictures and graphics)

WHEN IS SOMETHING TOO CLEAN?
Debate as to whether something can be reasonably clean. Does it have to pass a UN inspection / impromptu visit from mother in law

LOSS OF LOOKS
Dealing with the on-set on ageing, why spending money on expensive face cream isn’t the answer

LEARNING HOW TO HIDE THINGS
When does tidying up become hiding things?

MOODS
Guess the mood from these non-verbal clues

FIRST EVENING MEAL
1 Decide who pays when men are not around – 1 hour
2 Dividing the bill equally rather than on what each person had – 2 hours

DAY TWO

LEFTOVERS: YES OR NO?
Group discussion about why “waste not, want not” is an outmoded concept imposed on people by their post-war generation parents and why the fridge is constantly full of rotting things in Tupperware boxes

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HIM PRESENTS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
Spending time thinking about what he might want. Role play “it’s not all about me”

REAL MEN DON’T GET LOST
Learning to accept that Men have an inherent sense of direction

IS IT GENETICALLY POSSIBLE FOR A WOMAN TO PARALLEL PARK?
Evidence-based presentation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOURSELF
Men videotaped trying to spot the difference between their partners and their mother in laws.

FASHION, WHAT’S THE POINT?
Women taught to believe that it’s what’s on the inside that counts

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
Bring your calendar or PDA to class in order to import Cup Final Day, Champions League dates, and close male friend’s birthdays

BEARING GRUDGES & BRINGING UP PAST MISTAKES
Practice, practice, practice

Chile: December (13.12.04)

Raleigh International End of Expedition Questionnaire

Can you fill in the following questionnaire?
Who do I ask?
Is it in the timetable?
Do I need a radio?

Which best describes your experience?
Amazing
Intense
Knackering
All of the above

Have you personally developed?
No way

Please expain?
I´ve suffered from what is known as Raleigh Regression. I´m now more judgemental, more intolerant and have more of tendency to rely on first impressions.

What skills have you excelled at?
* Talking about myself
* Bad dancing
* Throwing snowballs
* Soft skills - teaching the venturers that there´s no ´I´ in selfless
* Having campsite saunas
* Doing comedy dutch slash swedish akshenschss all the time
* Touching youth

How have you been de-skilled?
* Ability to think for myself (can I put that?)
* Personal hygiene effectiveness
* Ability to not walk like a constipated penguin

What are your finest achievents?
* Being unofficially voted the most unprofessional member of staff
* Surviving 72 days without alcohol
* Not actually touching any of the youth

On a scale of one to ten how tired are you?
I´m funked

Have there been any negatives about your experience?
* All the moaning and whingeing (when not done by me in a comedic, non-malicious way)
* People who fuss and faff
* Control freaks
* 72 days without alcohol
* Not recognising a cult when I see it

Phase 3
What did you actually do when you went out into the Chilean countryside?
Me, 3 other staff members, 1 photographer, 10 venturers and a couple of Chilean Parkies helped build a section of the Sendero de Chile - a path that will run from the top of Chile to the bottom once its finished.

Did you finish your bit?
Knocked that off in the first few days then concentrated on the main task in hand: messing about and having exaggerated leisure.

What did you get up to?
In no particular order
* Fishing
* Sleeping out under the stars
* Snow sliding
* Climbing mountains
* Sunbathing one day, snowballing the next
* Making the southern hemispheres greatest sauna
* Turning the world´s cackest ingredients into great meals and cakes (not me obviously, I was facillitating others to do it)
* Doing quizzes / campfire games incessantly

What were the people you were with like?
Due to my influence over the admin department of Raleigh I was able to have the staff dream team and the venturers from heaven, hand -picked to amuse me.

On a serious note, one venturer who had had a troubled past said at the end "in my life I´ve hung round with bad people, from now on I´m going to hang out with good people like you guys". It get choked when I repeat this. Thanks to you all (apart from Frank for obvious reasons).

Did you have any influence over any of them?
God no.

One venturer was heard saying "Sonja is the boss, Sally is the medic and Claire is the interpreter, what does Dan actually do again". I was Head of Gossip, Project Manager of Mockery and in charge of the sound of my own voice. Still everyone seemed to enjoy themselves

End Section
What are you going to do now?
I´ve got 10 days left. I´m going walking with my Dad and my unofficial Raleigh parents Jim and Claire. We´re off to the Torres tomorrow, where before we go out into the national park we´ll be having a night out with my Dad and some of the venturers. Should be interesting.

When are you back?
I´m back in Blighty on Christmas Eve and spending time in the Lake District, back to London to sort out some sort of work-related thingy, then off to Brizzle for New Year.

Then what?
Then I´m going to write a book. This is the next thing it says on my to-do list so better get on with it. Available from all good bookshops by Christmas 2005.

And finally?
In the tradition of the season here´s a quiz for you to keep you occupied over the long Christmas nights. I wrote it from memory and we played it over two nights up in the hills huddled round the fire. I only expect my quiz-related friends to try and do it but I expect them to get well over 90%.

Answers on the website //raleighdan.blogspot.com.

Happy Christmas amigos


Connections

What name connects
- an underground station
- a Shakespearean character
- a borough of New York
- statue by Michaelangelo

Victoria, Romeo, Brookyln, David = The Beckhams

What names connects
- a Greek poet
- a London hospital
- George Clooney's British girlfriend
- a Rod Stewart song
- a substitute for butter

Homer, Bart, Lisa, Maggie, Marge = The Simpsons

What connects
- the general who marched on Rome with elephants
- the name of a degree
- the owner of Sky TV
- the front of a clock

Hannibal, BA, Murdoch, Face = The A Team

What connects
- an Irish stout
- Calista Flockhart's boyfriend
- the green cross code man
- When Harry met Sally's best friend
- Industrial Light and Magic Headquarters

Alec Guinness, Harrison Ford, David Prowse (Darth Vader actor), Carrie Fisher, Skywalker Ranch owned by George Lucas = Star Wars

Celebrities

1 Who are Brad Pitt's 3 actress girlfriends?
Juliette Lewis, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston
2 Who won each of the 5 Big Brothers?
Craig, Kate, Brian Cameron, Nadia
3 Who won each of the three I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here series?
Tony Blackburn, Phil Tufnell, Kerry McFadden
4 What's the connection between
- Shirley McLaine & Warren Beatty = Brother / Sister
- Jon Voight & Angelina Jolie = Father / Daugther
- Martin Sheen & Emilio Estevez = Father / Son
- Francis Ford Coppola & Nicholas Cage = Uncle / Nephew
- Kurt Russell & Kate Hudson = Stepfather / Stepdaughter
- Judy Garland & Lisa Minelli = Mother / Daughter

5 Name
- J Lo's husband = Marc Anthony
- WIll Smith's wife = Jada Pinkett-Smith
- Madonna's two husbands = Sean Penn, Guy Ritchie
- Bill Clinton's daughter = Chelsea
- David Beckham's mistress = Rebecca Loos
- Chris Martin's kid = Apple
- Leo DiCaprio's girlfriend = Giselle Bunchen
- Johnny Depp's kids' mother = Vanessa Paradis
- Matthew Vaughan's wife = Claudia Schiffer
- Jude Law's girlfriend = Sienna Miller
- Dennis Lawson's nephew = Ewan McGregor

SPORT
1 Which English football team has the most league titles, most European Cups, most UEFA cups, most Coca-Cola equivalents?
Liverpool, of course
2 What's unusual about the British Lions opponents coach this summer? Graham Henry coached the Lions last time
3 Which two clubs did Thierry Henry play for before Arsenal?
Monaco, Juventus
4 Which two clubs did Patrick Viera play for before Arsenal?
Cannes, AC Milan
5 Name the 3 althetic events we won gold in in Athens?
Women´s 800, 1500, Mens 4x100
6 Who just won the World Series?
Boston Red Sox
7 Name Ellen MacArthur's most famous boat?
Kingfisher
8 What's the connection between the 1966 World Cup football win and 2003 Rugby World Cup win?
George Cohen & Ben Cohen are Uncle & Nephew
9 Who are the reigning Wimbledon singles champions?
Federer & Sharapova
10 Name 2 Chilean footballers?
Zamarano, Salas, Margas, Acuna

FILMS
1 Who directed Moulin Rouge?
Baz Luhrman
2 Who wom Oscars for Silence of the Lambs?
Anthony Hopkins, Jodie Foster, Jonathan Demme
3 Who won this year's best female actress Oscar?
Charlize Theron
4 Name 5 Coen Brothers films?
Fargo, Raising Arizona, Hudsucker Proxy, Millers Crossing, The Man Who Wasnt There, Barton Fink, The Big Liebowski etc
5 Who was the director of American Beauty?
Sam Mendes
6 What's the only sequel to win an Oscar for Best Film?
Godfather 2
7 Where did they Find Nemo?
Sydney
8 What's the song from Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid?
Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head
9 What's the name of the family in The Sound of Music?
Von Trapp
10 What's the name of Hugh Grants character in the two Bridget Jones films?
Daniel Cleaver
11 Which city is the Italian job set in?
Turin
12 What are the names of Angelina Jolie's two husband and her kid? Johnny Lee Miller, Billy Bob Thornton, Maddox

MUSIC
1 Where are these bands/singers from?
- Massive Attack = Bristol
- Damon Albarn = Colchester
- The Darkness = Lowestoft
- Echo & the Bunnymen = Liverpool
- Franz Ferdinand = Glasgow
2 Who played the legendary concert on Spike Island?
The Stone Roses
3 Who were the two headliners of this year's Glastonbury?
Paul McCartney & Oasis
4 Which musician did Johnny Depp base his Jack Sparrow character in Pirates of the Caribbean on?
Keith Richards
5 What was the original name of the Beatles?
The Quarrymen / The Silver Beatles
6 Who are RZA and Old Dirty B*stard part of?
The Wu Tang Clan
7 What's Puff Daddy's real name?
Sean Coombs
8 What's the biggest selling album of all time?
The Best of the Eagles
9 Which group was Kerry McFadden in?
Atomic Kitten
10 What's the name of Radiohead's first album?
Pablos Honey
11 Which University did Coldplay go to?
UCL

Geography
1 Name the highest mountains on the following continents
- North America = Mt McKinley
- South America = Aconcagua
- Africa = Kilimanjaro
- Europe = Mt Elbrus
- Asia = Mt Everest
2 What's the length of Chile?
About 4000k
3 What's the capital of New Zealand?
Wellington
4 What river is Rome on?
The Tiber
5 When did Columbus discover America?
1492
6 What are the 5 boroughs of New York?
Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, Staten Island, The Bronx
7 Who's the parton saint of Catalunya?
St George
8 What are the highest peaks in England, Scotland and Wales?
Sca Fell Pike, Ben Nevis, Snowdon
9 What are the three names for Turkey's capital?
Byzantium, Constantinople, Istanbul
10 What are the 3 resorts of the 3 valley's called?
Meribel, Courchevel, Val Thorens

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
1 Who invented the TV?
John Logie Baird
2 What colour is the Queen's blotting paper?
Black
3 What does the W in George W Bush stand for?
Walker
4 What is Tony Blair constituency?
Sedgefield
5 What 4 papers does Rupert Murdoch own?
Sun, News of the World, Times, Sunday Times
6 What does SCUBA stand for?
Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus
7 Which architect designed the Millennium Dome?
Richard Rogers
8 What's the exact date of the Chilean overthrow of the Allende Government?
Sept 11, 1973
9 What's the only male in the animal kingdom that gives birth to young? Seahorses
10 What is Elvis' middle name?
Aaron

TV
1 What does OC stand for?
Orange County
2 Who voices Sideshow Bob?
Kelsey Grammer
3 Who are the stars of Little Britain?
Matt Lucas & David Walliams
4 Where is the Office set?
Slough
5 What are the names of the two families in Dynasty?
Colbys & Carringtons
6 Which teams to Skinner & Baddiel support?
WBA, Chelsea
7 Where does He-man live?
Castle Greyskull
8 What's the name of the bald guy who works in Central Perk?
Gunther
9 What does MASH stand for?
Mobile Army Surgical Hospital
10 What was the name of Den Watts' dog?
Roly

Chile: November (11.11.04)

Today, high in the foothills of the Chilean Andeas, we're here with Dan Jamieson, at the brat & crack camp, Raleigh International. As he relaxes at his Field Base home we ask him searching questions about his personal life, his career and his work for charity that he doesn’t usually like to talk about.

SO, DAN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY HOME HERE?
Yes, it's comfortable, has beautiful views and internet access. I especially like my minimalist living quarters, otherwise known as my tent.

YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING LOVELY WITH THE INTERIOR DESIGN, I SEE?
Yes, once I found this double mattress, I've been able to sleep like a baby.

HOW DO YOU RELAX AROUND FIELD BASE?
I like to play table tennis to keep fit. I'm currently pretty much unbeatable. My Spanish is coming on ‘mas y mas’ as they say round these parts. I like to relax with my friends, watching videos and eating enormous, fat dinners, pretty much like normal people.

HOW IS THIS PHASE COMPARED TO THE LAST ONE?
Last time I spent my time exploiting the sexual and personal office tensions for my own amusement. Now everything is sweetness and light as lovely people have been shipped in to cook amazing meals for me, add comedy voices to the radio show and lose obligingly at ping-pong. I've also been on one particularly famous excursion.

SOUNDS INTRIGUING, TELL US MORE?
Yes, my colleague James and I went south for a day to a local beauty spot called Puerto Tranquilo. We were meant to get the bus back the next morning but became too engrossed in a particulalrly excellent game of scabble. When we'd finished we'd missed the only bus of the day and we had to throw sheets at the problem and get a taxi to do a 9-hour, £80 round trip. (My mentor back home, Brad, would have appreciated this excellent effort). Now everyone in the camp likes to take the proverbial michael out of me for missing buses and not being allowed out on my own. Oh, how we laugh!

SO TELL ME ABOUT THE TIME YOU HAD TO GO TO THE RESCUE OF THE STRANDED LADIES
Yes, it was an extremely dangerous situation for the young girls. They had been taken off into the hills for a hike which was supposed to end late afternoon with a boat ride across a lake. Unfortunately, they got awfully lost in the hills, missed the rendezvous and had to spend the night in the wilderness without tents, food, or sleeping bags.

WERE YOU SCARED?
No, but they were. I was left at Field Base while our glorious leaders headed off into the night to rescue them.

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Thank the Lord they found a dwelling in the middle of nowhere where they could stay the night and get out of the sub-zero tempartures. We did find it funny the next day when they recounted the story of the locals genuinely believing they were encountering aliens and started shooting at them.

AND YOUR ROLE IN ALL THIS?
I don't want to overplay my role in all this but I did go along the next day to help with their recovery by boat. I had to make sure all those ladies got back save and sound across the lake.

WOW, THAT SOUNDS EXCITING. I ALSO HEAR YOUR RADIO SHOW HAS BEEN SUCCESSFULLY RESCUED TOO, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE THE PUN.
Yes, ratings are now up from 99 to 100, and we've had our broadcast length extended by 10 minutes. The scripts are on my own personal website if you want to relive some of their highlights and laugh out loud at the well-crafted gags. You may find the in-jokes a bit inpenetrable but the jokes about Germans and hot Swedish girls on websites are pretty much universal. (

HAVE YOU BEEN ON ANY OTHER EXCITING ADVENTURES?
No adventures just yet, I have to contend myself with visiting the troops, as it were, to raise morale for a couple of days. I tend to go for especially for their soft skills sessions when we all sit round in non-confrontational circles and mince on about things. I'm useful for these because I can introduce a sense of perspective and some much needed bad language and sacrcasm.

WHICH WAS YOUR FAVOURITE VISIT THIS TIME?
I visited one project close to my heart in a windswept border town in the middle of nowhere called Balmaceda. I was able to do something actually constructive for the Old People's Community Centre and pass on some of my greater knowledge about the world to some plucky youngsters.

WHAT ARE YOU HOPING TO DO IN THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE?
Travelling the world and working with young people is what gives me joy in my life, so I'm really looking forward to going out into the field on November 17 for 3 weeks. I can't wait to really interact with some social awkward, barely reformed heroin addicts and some lovely girls from Rodean. We'll all be building a path together in the beautiful countryside (readers may remember this from our issue on October 18). Three weeks, then its back to Field Base to see off the happy, smiley and personally developed young people, then its back on the booze.

HOW IS YOUR ABSTENACE FROM ALCOHOL GOING?
Its a fu*king nightmare, but we manage, somehow.

AND WHAT WILL YOU DO AFTER THE EXPEDITION?
I shall be meeting my father, Crawford Senior, and we shall be taking the air down in the south of Chile, in a national park called Torres Del Paine. I’ve heard tell that it’s magnificent, then I'll be back to see all my fans around Christmas.

AND AFTER THAT
Well in order to help the young people of the world I left behind my job, my lady friend and threw away all my money, so I'll be essentially starting my life again from scratch. Marvellous.

THANKK YOU FOR LETTING US SHARE A FEW PRECIOUS MOMENTS OF YOUR TIME
Don't mention it, anything for Hola! Gotta go, some logs need stacking. As they say over here, adios amigos!

Chile: Radio Script 3 - November 7

INTRO
Sound Effects: Land of Hope & Glory (5 secs)
Ring, Ring: ALL
Hello.What, you’d like to complain about our choice of start music?
What, it doesn’t take into account all our international friends?
Good point, yes of course we’ll keep your identity completely confidential
Thanks, good bye.
What we going to do now?

Sound Effects: Deutshland Uber Alles (30 secs) ALL
Deutschland Deutschland uber alles
Uber alles in der welt
Wie komme ich am Besten zum Bahnhof
Gehen sie geradeaus

Von dem Krankenhaus, bis zur Stadion
Essen wir der Sauerkraut

Wir lieben, Fußball zu spielen und wir gewinnen immer auf Strafen
Wir lieben, Fußball zu spielen und wir gewinnen immer auf Strafen

And yes the translation of the last line is, “we love to play football and we always win on penalties”.

Hello, Hola, Bonjour and Con-e-chi-wa to the Field Base Text Message Service. And a special hello to all our international friends of course. The time is 6.00pm standard Chilean time and the date is Sunday November 7st. Marvilliso!

Coming up in the next half an hour we’ve got a show so packed, if it was a meal, only Ollie Chapman could eat it

In between all the messages we’ve got…
 News, & updates from all the groups
 All the footie results, and some comedy cricket from the Aussies
 Claire will have some more adventures with El Medico D’Amor for you
 And there’s weather because this week it’s been ‘Scorchio’ ALL

Alpha group news
Just a small point from the script writers of the FBBC. Unless we actual get news from you, we have to make stuff up and primarily take the proverbial out of the staff as they’re the easiest target.
When we’ve got dirt on with venturers we’re more than happy to lay into them. So, send us all the news that fit to print and we’ll broadcast it.

Ok, here’s what’s been going on with the various Alpha groups. Now to keep all our international cousins happy we’ve got their national anthems for you, mainly from a website where they are played on the hammond organ.

Alpha 7
Here’s a special tune for Coca
Sound Effects: Chile National Anthem
Yes that’s the Chilean national anthem folks, not a fairground ride

Alpha 7 can go first this week because they have developed an excellent way for generating quality content for the radio show. No, its not more comedy ‘adventure’ holidays it’s a new game.
All the group write 5 facts about each other and put them in all in a hat, then divide into two teams. As each fact is read out, the other team has to guess who it is.

Can you guess

Who’s Dad operates a pornography warehouse?
Who, when they worked in a supermarket, had sex in the freezer?
Who is related to Martin Clunes?
Who went to Boy George’s birthday party?
Who carried an actual human poo around in a handbag for 4 days?

Tune in next week to find out who’s who.

Background “But there’s no show next week”

Exactly….

Alpha 1:
Now here’s one for Steph
Sound Effects: Dutch National Anthem
Shame on you, if you thought the Dutch national anthem would sound like a porn soundtrack

Firstly, after last week, news reaches us that El Medico D’Amor is alive and well and he’d like to say a special hello to all the ladies out there. Steph, Maddy, Verity and Liz we’d like to know how you can control yourselves?

The kayakers have been enjoying the sunshine and thanking their lucky stars that its not raining. They’ve been for a night kayak and it says on this handwritten log book that Roger has been pissing off Iain Fish. Oh no, sorry, misread that, during the night paddle Roger’s been urinating on the fish to demonstrate phosperous in the water.

Alpha 2:
Martin and Scotland’s National Anthem
Sound Effects: Donald Where’s Your Trousers
Alpha 2 have moved up to a new camp, just below the snow line, which is apparently amazing. It’s called Pioneer base camp, which to us is a disappointing name. They’re now climbing mountains, literally for fun.

News reaches us that apparently Owen has been heard making strange Celtic noises with a young lady in a tent. Maybe he was just cutting her hair for her.

And also there’s been a request that Alpha 2 staff that the venturers do something about their horrendous smelly feet because the toxins are melting the snow.

Before change over they were thinking of staying a few nights at a hospedje at the end of the phase. Celia overheard that it was going some of them an arm and a leg and went off to get her surgical equipment out but thankfully no one was hurt.

Martin managed to stay for 20 mins have a cup of tea and left his jumper behind. Not the type of resupply we like.

Alpha 3:
This one’s going out to Nina, It’s Sweden
Sound Effects: Swedish National Anthem
“Hola, Nina Modig here with the update for my website Cold & Hot Swedish Girls in the Snow.com. Yesterday we had a camp day. Yes, everybody dressed up in womens clothing, put on make up and did some interior decorating of the tents. Jen now has a lovely photo of Andy in a dress. We are about to go on a four day trek, after which we will all be hot and sweaty, visit my website where I reveal all.

Alpha 4:
By the way here’s one for you
Sound Effects: By the way by Red hot Chillis
Here’s the news that’s fit to print from Alpha 4 and by the way ITS BRILLIANT.

After last week’s top 10 we now have Michaela’s top 5 ways to die.
Play top of the pops music
5 Being in Alpha 7
4 Sparks from the fire
3 Cut in half by flying chainsaw
2 Killed by a mattock
1 Falling down the long drop

Death, ITS BRILLIANT, by the way.

In between the fighting over fruit and burning the world’s biggest bonfire, Gareth has been for a swim in Lago Paloma and Rachel is turning into the Chile’s answer Delia Smith, wowing the punters with beanfeast samosas – and as we all know a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. By the way that’s the end of this brilliant news update from Alpha 4.

Alpha 5:
This one for the camps’ official Mother, Jessie
Sound Effects: Kenyan National Anthem
To celebrate his 18th George shouted down the radio “I’m a man, I’m a man” after we sang happy birthday to him at their sitrep. We said we’d all raise a glass of legal lager to him on December 10 when he can officially drink for the first time ever. We assume you don’t know what lager tastes like yet George.
Ed managed to build a path for a week and keep all his clothes clean, we say build, but he just stood round looking wistful. He then baked bread for a day and got covered in sticky white stuff. Must be missing Rachel.
Sally continues to say things like ‘George get your bits out’. God is that the reason he’s a man now?Mother Jess continues to make flapjacks and look after everyone, Derek caught a fish, pictionary is now an Olympic sport in Tamango and Barry’s techno continues to wake everyone up at 5.30 every morning.

Finally, Martin would like to say Hi to all at Alpha 5, thank you for having me.

Alpha 6:
Here’s one for Sebastian
Sound Effects: Chilean National Anthem
Much news from Alpha 6 this week
Dan and Jim went to see them and keep spirits up by losing at cards. Dan arrived and put the entire floor down in the old people’s home in half a day, what have you been doing for the past phase and a half.

The Reverend Martin has an admirer in his congregation. One of the local teenage, and underage I might add, girls has developed a crush on him. She wrote him a poem telling him how much she loved him and is now waiting round the corner of the church for his reply. And no, we are no making this up, you can all read the translated note at changeover.

Here are some, now infamous phases from Alpha 6
“I’m just been spending time in my tent with Spanish Cosmo and my dic” Sally Mills, we think she meant dictionary
“I’ll eat anything” Sally Mills
“My initials aren’t S and M for nothing” Sally Mills

Nicknames have caught on, Rory has been rechristened Dobby the House Elf, Kate is now Katie Ketchup and Ollie has become Dolly for some reason. Jack is still recovering from realising he is related to Ollie Ruscombe Smith and may have stopped working due to the shock.

Claire’s Dad sent her an areogramme which she was overjoyed to find out went like this.
“Dear Claire, hope you’re well, here’s what’s been happening in the football.
Two pages of Arsenal updates later.
That’s all from me, more scores to come soon, take care, Love Dad.”
Chris, we think he wants a son in law asap.

Finally, Rory is finalising his plans for his year off. He’s heard that the UK and the USA have a special relationship so he’s going over to be a lifeguard and have as many special relationship as he can. In the meantime he’s been practicing with the old grannies.

Alpha 8:
Georgia does of course have her own national anthem
Sound Effects: Georgia’s National Anthem
Dave has all his hedghogs synchronised and ready to go off at any moment. Antonia’s 21st went brilliantly as the team brought a cake, presents and a banner up with them and managed to hide it from her in their spacious tent. Having been 21 for 10 years now, we’re wondering what she’ll do to top this next year.

The group have tried and failed to find a path up to the top of the valley, but of course we don’t know how hard they tried. We suspect they’ll be back sunbathing in Chile Chico staggering out the back of some pub before too long. Dave has rung in at least twice to request a bloke-evac, but we’ve sent resupplies of men’s magazine’s and a garden shed to keep him happy.

Field Base:
We loved this so much we had to play it again
Sound Effects: Chilean National Anthem
We’ve been joined at the field base fairground by Italian photographer Valentina who comes from Sicily. She has been living in Manchester for the past few years because she went there when she was 14 for a Take That concert and thought if she moved there she might bump into and marry Mark Owen.Word of warning, don’t ever play table tennis against her as she was the under 13 table tennis champion of Sicily. None of her opponents have been seen since and James has disappeared. If you see her, be nice to her, or her Dad will pay you a visit.

Claire’s been to Alpha 4 and dug a Sendero out of the snow
Jim and Dan have been to Alpha 6 and been worked like female dogs
Martin have been to Alpha’s 2 and 5, dropping off his jumpers as he went
Ali has gone to London to get away from us all for a week. She’ll be calling every 12 hours on the radio to giggle her sitreps to us.

Finally, Martin’s in charge everyone, so roll up roll up boys and girls, now’s the time to get your casevacs and medi-reps in

MESSAGES & GOSSIP
Sound Effects: Big Brother
A1
Steph to Kate, Michaela and Rachel: Hello

A2
Owen to Peter. Phil, Steph A1: Big Hello
Owen to Mel A3: Hi
Owen to Shital and Michaela in A4: Hi
Owen to Jack, Rory and Vinnie in A6: Hi
Owen to Ollie and Coca in A7: Hi
Matt and John to James, Sarah and Chris in A4: Cut that tree down, do it.

A3
Mel to Jack: Sorry for no message last week, missing you loads, see you next week
Martin, Pat and Chris to Maddy: Hello
Martin to Peter: Hello
Henry and Chris to Rachel in A2: How you doin’?, randy Rachel

A4
Nothing has been going on at all, by the way

A5
George A5 to Coca: Hello
George to Steve: Hang in there
Ed and Kate to Steph and Dave: Hello
Ed to Rachel: Love you loads
Ed and Kate to Steph, Pete and Dave in A1 – We love you and enjoy it
Ed and Kate to Rachel, Nelion and Vicky – We love you and enjoy it
Barry to Peter in A1 – Wi aye man and take it easy Peter
Barry to wee Martin – Wi aye man and hope the snow’s not too cold pet
Barry to Simon, Shital, Kate, Sarah and Stevie – Wi aye man from big man
Barry to Rachel on behalf of Ed – can’t wait to marry you and loves you lots.

A6
Must get them from my tent

A7
Coca to Aisling and Mel: miss you
Coca to Owen and Michaela: Wet wipes boom boom
Coca to Shital: HiCoca to George: Happy birthday
Coca to all of A5: Miss you
Simon to Shital: Take a left b’atch
Frank to Shital: Spoonin’ buddies miss you lots, rubber baby buggy bumper

A8
All of alpha 8 to Chile Chico barman: 4 glasses of red wine and 4 pisco sours please

Next week we’ve decided to save you all time
Jim Kitty, Henry, Will, Tom, Steph, Yin, Moon, Derek, Jessie, Ruaridh, Paul, Coca, Frank, Dave, Martin Maddy, Barry, Lauren, Claire, Michaela, Martin, Seb, Simon, Marc, Owen, Shital, Sarah, James Tash,George, Richard, Rena, Ash, Mel, James, Gareth, Alexandra, Jack, Vinnie, Ed, Emma, Sam, Claire Nelion, Ollie 1, Ollie 2, Rachel 1, Rachel 2, Jon 1, Jon 2, Stevie 1, Stevie 2, Nick 1, Nick 2, Dan Pete 1, Pete 2, Kate 1, Kate 2, Matt 1, Matt 2, Chris 1, Chris 2, Chris 3 would like to say ‘Hi’ to Alpha’s 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 & 8

Fieldbase have made some up

Fieldbase to Barry: please stop playing your terrible techno at 5.30 in the morning, it wakes us up too
Fieldbase to Ollie in A6: shut up and stop eating all the food
A1 ladies to Phil: Oh my god that was amazing, can we do it again and again and again

NEWS
Sound Effects: Dambusters
Biggest news of the week has been, pause, the weather
The weather on the coast for the kayakers = ALL - scorchio
The weather up in the mountains for the trekkers – scorchio
The weather in Balmaceda – scorchio – and the wind even dropped
The weather in Coyhaique – scorchio for Field Base and Alpha 8
The weather in Tamango – scorchio for Alpha 5
Weather in A4 – a hell of a lot of heilo, followed by scorchio

And there’s more of the same on the way, yes that’s right, more of the same on the way.

Bong
For those that don’t already know the result of the US Election and don’t want to know, stick your fingers in your ears. For those that do know the result and don’t want to know, stick your fingers in your eyes and bury your head in the snow coz we’ve got four more years of Bush on the way. It was close, but not that close, and in a record turnout for any US Election, Bush got 3.5m more votes than Kerry. Basically all the cities voted for Kerry and all those in the rural communities voted for Bush – and there are more of them so they won. God Bless the US of A

Sound effects: Star Spangled banner
What follows are the views of the Uk’s Daily Mirror and not those, necessarily of the FBBC, they described the election was as being won by…American accent - “The self-righteous, gun-totin', military lovin', sister marryin', abortion-hatin', gay-loathin', foreigner-despisin', non-passport ownin' red-necks, who believe God gave America the biggest dick in the world so it could urinate on the rest of us and make their land "free and strong".

Bong
Apparently the winner in the second biggest election, the Coyhaiquen council election was Salvador Alcalde – but I suspect you all knew that was going to happen anyway.

Bong
Yasser Arafat is about to die – and as befits the man’s entire life, the Palestinians are already arguing with the Israelis over which land he’s going to be buried in.

Bong
Band Aid supergroup to re-form for Christmas ‘Do they know its Christmas’ Single ahead of 20th anniversary Live Aid concert next year.

As the Day Today would say, remember kids: Fact into doubt wont go.

Now over to Claire Tarn’s Dad for the football results

SPORT
Sound Effects: Tennis
“Hello Claire, its your Dad here, hope you’re well, here’s what’s been happening in the football.

Premiership
Big news in the Premiership this week is that Jaques Santini has walked out on Spurs after 13 matches siteing “personal reasons” in inverted commas. So Spurs continue their recent run of appointing odd-balls and wierdos. Martin Jol, his number 2 is expected to be announced as his replacement and good luck to him.

Other big news is that Arsenal’s mini-slump continues as they are held by plucky Crystal Palace.This means a victorious Chelsea, who beat Everton 1-0, go top.

It pains me to say this but Liverpool lost 1-0 at home to Birmingham. Sorry Stevie.
And it pains the Geordies for me to say they got hammered 4-1 at home by Fulham. Yes that’s 4-1 at home by Fulham.

Man united had Alan Smith predictably sent off in the Manc derby but drew 0-0.

So the table looks like this
Chelsea and Tab go top on 29
The Arse with Claire looking up at someone for a change on 27 in 2nd
Everton still strangely third on 23
Bolton on 22
Boro on 19
Villa 6th on 18 with Man U
Liverpool in 8th – Dan and Stevie
Peter, Barry and Martin and the Geordies back in 9th
Spurs continue to be rubbish and lost 3-2 to Charlton. Yes they’re so bad, Barry beat them all on his own.

In League Division 1 as we like to call it

Burnley 0 – Ipswich 2 – get in Tash and Matt
Reading 1- Stoke 0 – Boo Hoo Bob
Sheff United – 0 – Gillingham 0 – happy with that Pat?
West Ham 2 – QPR 1 – James wake up, something’s happened
Wolves 2 – Forest 1 – Martin not getting startin’
Wigan 0 – Plymouth 2 – chasing pack, happy with that

The table looks like this
Wigan top on 39
Ipswich second on 36
Reading on 34
Sunderland and West Ham tied on 31
QPR on 30.
Sheffield United 6 on 27
Stoke plummeting to 12th on 24.
All played 18

Leicester (brackets Jim, Claire and Dave) are 14th and Forest (Martin) 2nd from bottom

News from Scotland
Good news for Vinne - Celtic won 2-1 against Kilmarnock – goals from McGeady and Thompson to take them 4 points clear. Rangers won 4-1.

And in other Sport
The Aussie were humbled in the final test against India, though the awful pitch may have something to do with it as 40 wickets fell in 2 days. They failed to chase 104 and were all out for 94.

The Aussies though did see off Scotland at Rugby Union winning 31-14. Wales fell agonisingly short against South Africa losing 36-38 and just to reassure Jorn we will bring him all the All Blacks scores as they come in.

If he cares about Rugby league Great Britain beat New Zealand 22-18. And finally Paula Radcliffe made an amazing comeback by winning the New York marathon – but then again there wasn’t a gold medal at stake.

That’s all from me Claire, more scores to come soon, take care Love Dad.”

NORMAN’S SPANISH WITH CLAIRE
Sound Effects: Benny Hill

Now over to Claire for our weekly Spanish lesson
Claire…
Hola Campistas Scorchios!
Hello sunny campers

Hello it’s Claire here, your Spanish teacher for today. Listen to how the Dr of Love helps ladies with their medical problems

Ugly Boy: Hello baby Girl: Oh my god what’s that smell?

Boy: I think it must be my feet.

Girl: You’ve stink. Doctor, doctor come quickly, its an emergency

Sound effects: Hot chocolate’s you sexy thing.
Dr of Love: Fear not young lady, I’m here and I’m fearless and I’ll deal with it. Go and wash you’re feet in three bowls of bleach and leave us alone.

Girl: Oh my god Dr of Love, your amazing

Dr of Love: Yes I know

Girl: Can you stop my beating heart?

Dr of Love: Yes, stop drinking so much Zuko and don’t look me in the eye

Girl: Doctor I’ve got a terrible rash on my chest.

Dr of Love: I can provide you with some cream for that.

Girl: I’ve also got some women’s problems

Dr of Love: I cure women of all their problems, can we go to my tent now?

Girl: Of course, but my identical twin sister has an itch she just can’t scratch, can she come too?

Dr of Love: I’ll try.

Claire: Thanks to the doctor of love, remember his advice when asks to put suntan cream on we recommend you

All: DO IT………

Thank you Claire, more from her and the Dr Love next week.

Dan’s world of soft skills

Now over Dan for Dan’s world of soft skills
Hello happy campers.

I’d like us all to sit round in a non-confrontational circle because I want to talk about my feelings. Is everyone sitting comfortably?

Can you help me with a problem I’m having?

Sir Ranaulph Fiennes has told me that “Sarcasm and mockery maybe fun but can easily go wrong and offend sensibilities.” But I just can’t stop going to Alpha groups and taking the piss out of them.
What should I do?

Should I just go to groups like Alpha 6 and remain silent for 48 hours
or should I tell Sir Ranaulph “yeah, whatever, why don’t you spend more time doing pointless adventures and less time pontificating you humourless old toff”.

I’d like everyone to think about that for 10 minutes and come back free of cynicism. Thank you and good night.

Next week fieldbase tutorial: Hard skills with James - How to erect a shelter so you can sleep anywhere, any time, any place.

SIGN OFF
Sound Effects: Rhubarb and Custard

Gracias, Buenos Noches, Ciao Ciao, Adios, Hasta Luego

Thank you all for listen, contributing and giving us valid feedback, Here at the FBBC we take everything extremely seriously, then ignore it.As for the final song of the day, we’d like to explain something about song requests. Because of the computer equipment we have here we can only play songs from Antonia’s mp3 collection. So all requests will be ignored unless they are 80’s base pop rubbish for blonde cheerleaders, or the entire back catalogue of East 17.

No its not a national anthem to end on. As you’ve all been living a multi-cultural and slightly mad life, here’s something for you.

SONG – Livin’ la vida loca – Ricky Martin.

Chile: Radio Script 2 - October 31

INTRO
Sound Effects: Land of Hope & Glory

Hola, Buenas Tardes, Ciao, Bienvenido to the Field Base Broadcasting Company. The time is 6.00pm standard Chilean time and the date is Sunday October 31st. Estupendo!

Two major things going on in the world. 1 It’s Halloween. Oooohhhhh and 2 Its Election week – ohhhhh. So we thought we’d combine them and start with a poll.

Which of these is the scariest?
1. Barry’s techno at full volume
2. The Alpha 1 lurgy
3. Graham’s radio lecture
4. John dressed up as a robot
5. Nina, in her shades, turning down logs requests
6. Or the scariest words in the English language, pause, ‘Hi this is Alpha 7, can we go on a daytrip?”

Coming up in the next half an hour we’ve got a show so packed, if it was a kayak, only Iain could paddle it

We’ve got
 News, messages, polls, messages, updates & messages from all the groups
 All the footie results
 Claire has stepped into Norman’s place and will be bringing you Spanish chat up lines and how to turn down the unwanted attention of letchurous men.
 There’s news from the 24 hour Field Base Broadcasting Centre News Epicentre of Information
 And some more polls.
Ok, here’s the news of the views from the various Alpha groups

Alpha 1
Same staff, different venturers, same story. No, its not that they’ve all got the lurgy but they have apparently seen Killer Whales swimming off the Las Toninos beach.With Giraffes riding on the back of them. Of course they have. Graham and Dan had to rush down their to verify the sightings and all we saw was rain.Has the Dr of Love overdosed on loving? Or has he faked illness in order to spend time with Mrs Palm and her 5 lovely pink daughters? We await reports.Talking of Alpha 1 traditions, no-one has, as yet, caught the dreaded Kayak lurgy. This may come from them not actually leaving their tents.

Alpha 2
Confusion in Fieldbase when the previous camp name was changed to ‘Cannon camp’ after Yvonne. We’re looking forward to hearing from Brian May’s School of Soft Rock, Bagshaw’s World of Pain and Natalie House Frow of the Blonde Accountants. We’ll be expecting more news of ice-caps, snow holes and Yeti sightings over te next few weeks.

Alpha 3
“Hola, Nina Modig here with the update from the Swedish Jury up in the mountains. As you will expect I am here lying here in the snow with Jorn. I must say so far our rations have been excellent. I know fieldbase have been worried that they have heard no-one apart from Henry so far on the radio. This is because we are all involved in a science experiment with floor polish and thermals. You will be able to see our all adventures on Hot Swedish Girls in the Snow.com.

Alpha 4
The Alpha 4’s have been walking in a winter wonderland so far on this phase. Good job Bob’s fleece was already camoflaged to blend into the background as a big cuddly snowman so he can disappear and do no work. When we asked you to path build we don’t just want you to move snow off the driveway by the way.

For some reason Alpha 4 believe this radio show is their own private message service and have given us approximately 100 messages to relay to the rest. More on this news later.

Alpha 5
Alpha 5 have been obsessed with horses since they left. They’ve cleared 500m of path and are now running a betting shop and George is now setting the odds. So far there have been no health reps from Sally but we’re sitting by the radio with pen in hand.

They now have the pleasure of DEL Martin’s company for the next few days. The man who is alledgely in charge of all things organisational managed to almost set off without his rations.

Alpha 7
Most unexpected news of the week was that Alpha 7 had broken their radio, primarily through over-use. They would call and tell us but we’ve actually had some peace and quiet for a day or so.
And secondly, they have requested to go on a day trip again folks. This time to Argentina. Can you imagine anything could go wrong on that? Still at least everyone in field base will get to visit another country when we have to go and rescue them.

We were worried that Alpha 7 staff have taken over completely. All we get are staff on the radio, staff giving each other messages and staff losing things. Can we remind you, its all about the venturers, not day-trips.

Alpha 8
Now what would you expect from an entire Alpha group of staff. Hard work? Excellence at use of the radio? A love of the great outdoors using?

Well the news from Dave and his synchronised posse of pyschotic hedghogs is that they have broken their radio, they’ve spent every night so far in a Hospedaje and each morning they ring in their sit reps at 9.30am from the local internet café. Hmm. As for the groups legendary love of abstinence we have sent spies down south to monitor their refueling habits.

Alpha 6
Ah Ah Ah. Count Dracula Norman here. Ah Ah Ah. I have closed the Balmaceda Chuch of the latter Day Saints and replaced it with Count Dracula Norman’s Home of the Old Spanish Virgins. The Reverend Martin and his blonde assistant Sally Anne and all the venturers are locked in the crypt. Ah ha ha. Sally Mills was last seen running for the airport, but my bats will catch her and bring her back to me. Ah Ah Ah. I have an long list of resupply requests - I do not want any garlic, any steaks, no wood. Thankfully Balmaceda has no sunlight. That’s all from the Prince of Darkness.

Field Base
Everyone has fallen into their natural roles
Jim and Claire are being mum and dad, cooking and chopping logs
James is sleeping and adding “need a kip” to his to do list
Dan is grumbling and moaning so is happy
Ali is in charge of shit music, bad multi-coloured jumpers and giggling and making up job titles for us all.
Martin was last seen running for the hills, he left so quickly he didn’t even take food with him.

And now a word from our sponsors
Advertisement
Hola Soy Victor, of Victor’s cabs tonights special sponsor. I love Operacion Raleigh. Me encanta all the lovely blonde girls. I especially love the idiot chicos who get stuck in Puerto Tranquillo and have to pay me a fortune to get back. So if you need a ride, anytime and from anywhere, call me Victor, and my coche of love. This is Senor Victor of Victors cabs saying Bueanos Noches happy campers.

MESSAGES & GOSSIP
Sound Effects: Big Brother
As is the way with all news media these days all hard news has been replaced by gossip, slander and a close attention to the priavte lives of famous people. Therefore we have some messages from all the groups to each other. Those who want to go and make a cup of tea on a open fire should go and do it now as this is going to take ages.

A4Rachel to Steph/ Kate - Hi and I miss you
Steve/ Michael and Shital to George (A5) - Happy birthday for 1st Nov
Michaela to Owen/ Steph and Coca - Hello, I miss you
Chris to Claire - Missing you lots
Rachel to Ed from Busted : Love you

A5
George (A5) to Antonia - Happy birthday

A6
From A6 to George and Claire: Happy birthday
Claire T to Chris (A4): Hugs and kisses
Kate to Shital and Frankie: Hello
Ruaridh/ Paul/ Jack to Duracell - Have you Savaged anything in the water yet ?Jack to Grumpy in A3: Hi

A7
Maria to Dave: Hello Big Boy
A7 Staff to Georgia, Laura and Antonia: Hi

Fieldbase to A7 – once again, can we remind you to let the venturers have a go on the radio please, sorry to take up 30 minutes of your airtime

Fieldbase to Rachel in A4 “Pull yourself together girl”

Finally has Jack used some of his Aussie charm to catch himself a young girl in the bush?

Studs and Studdesses poll continues but there have been more votes for Pat in (A7) – must be his hair and his ability to rescue young ladies from dangerous situations. (though he did put them in danger in the first place)

HAPPY BIRTHDAYS
Sound Effects: Happy Birthday
My name is Graham Hornsey, and not a lot of people know that this is a record week for birthdays. I am really excited. On Wednesday its Claire Brunning’s birthday and it is also Pete Donnelly’s who turns 21. Antonia also turns 21 next week while tomorrow George becomes a man and turns 18. We’d all raise a glass to him, but we can’t. And remember you’re only supposed to blow the bloody candles out when you are supplied with cakes.

Now over the Field Base Broadcasting Corporation news container for all the supply of news that’s fit for human consumption. James, James, wake up man!, who have you got snuggled up in your sleeping bag of news for us tonight?

NEWS
Sound Effects: Dambusters
Osama Bin Laden has raised his ugly head again. This time he’s sent a tape to the world media, admitting his part in 9/11 and threatening more, just before the US Elections on Tuesday. Unfortunately this has had the desired affect of tipping the polls in George Bush’s favour. Call us cynical but is Bin Laden actually working on behalf of the Republican party? Polls have Bush of 48, Kerry on 44. The biggest election in the world is on Tuesday.

Bong
The second biggest election on earth is taken place in Coyhaique today as the locals go to the polls to choose their counsellors. My personal favourite is Javier “Superman” Soto – I’m the protector of Coyhaique.

Bong
John Peel died aged 65. Top scouser and godfather of radio 1 he will be missed by many, especially by white, lonely, middle class men who like listening to inpenetrable music during their spotty teenage years in their bedrooms on their own.

Sound Effects: Top of the Pops
The top 10 in the Uk is
(10) R Kelly - Happy People/U Saved Me
(9) The Libertines - What Became of the Likely Lads
(8) Duncan James & Keedie - I Believe My Heart
(7) Dannii Minogue Vs Flower Power - You Won't Forget About Me
(6) Kelis feat. Andre 3000 - Millionaire
(5) Khia - My Neck My Back (Lick It)
(4) Jay Sean - Stolen
(3) Daniel Bedingfield - Nothing Hurts Like Love
(2) Eric Prydz - Call On Me
(1) Ja Rule feat. R Kelly & Ashanti - Wonderful

WEATHER
Snow, blizzards, storms, rain, cloud, hail. Just a normal week in Region x1. If you wanted nice weather you all should have gone on Raleigh in Africa so stop whinging.

Now over to Jim for his world of sport

SPORT
Sound Effects: Tennis
Premiership
Things still rumble on from last Sunday’s clash of the titans between United and Arsenal. Ruud van Nisterlroy has been charged with trying to maim Ashley Cole with a knee high tackle, now Man U are trying to get Thierry Henry done for knobling Heinze off the ball.

We all enjoyed Manchester United losing to Portsmouth 2-0Arsenal scapped a 2-2 draw with rubbish Southampton with a last minute equalizer and Liverpool failed to take advantage by drawing 2-2 with Blackburn away. Djibril Cisse broke his leg at the same ground Liverpool had two broken legs last season.

Chelsea were the most impressive winners of the weekend, winning 4-1 against mangerless West Brom.Our Geordie friends will be gutted to hear that for the first time in 12 matches they lost, 2-1 away to Bolton.

Mid-table rubbish involved
Everton 1 Aston Villa 1
Birmingham 0 – Crystal Palace 1
Fulham 2 – Spurs 0

So the table looks like this
The Arse top on goal difference from Chelsea on 26
Everton still strangelty third on 23
Bolton on 21
Boro on 18
Liverpool sixth on 17 above Manchester United on goal difference
Newcastle eight on 16

In League Division 1 as we like to call it
Leeds 0 – Wigan 2
Reading 2 Coventry 3
Ipswich 3 – Preston 0
QPR 3 – Burnley 0
Watford 2 – Nottingham Forest 1 – bad news for Martin
Cardiff 0 – Leicester 0

The table looks like this
Wigan top on 36
Ipswich & Reading on 30
QPR 4th on 29
With Sunderland and West Ham tied on 28
Sheffield United 6 on 26
Stoke at 7th on 24 – Bob don’t get too excited.
All played 16

Leicester are 14th and Forest 3rd from bottom on 13

News from ScotlandRangers won 5-0 and Celtic won 3-2. Boring. Vogts to be sacked on Monday.
This week its back on the money train with the Champions League. Meanwhile over in Spain little Michael Owen has now scored 3 winners in 3 games and looks set to start this week.

And in other Sport
Unfortunately the Aussies opened a can of whup ass on the Indians in cricket and won their first series away in India for 3 decades. Whup di do.

NORMAN’S SPANISH
Sound Effects: Benny Hill
Now over to Claire for our second instalment of our ‘How to pull in Spanish’
Claire…
Raleigh International- Spanish Lesson Radio Show 31/10/2004
Hola Campistas mojadas!
Hello wet campers

Hello it’s Claire here, your Spanish teacher for today. I have ejected Norman from this seat of responsibility. Today I will share with you the art of getting rid of people you don’t want around and generally being ‘una lengua venenosa’ (poisonous tongue).

Picture the scene, you have spotted a very attractive boy and his ugly mate comes over! Listen to the following dialogue:

Sound effects: general piano love music
Boy: Estás solo?
Are you alone?

Girl: Si, pero estoy esperando al médico del amor
Yes, but I am expecting the Doctor of Love

Boy: Quieres tomar algo?
Would you like a drink?

Girl: No gracias, Estoy con Raleigh y no puedo beber.
No thanks, I’m with Raleigh, I can’t drink.

Boy: Bailamos?
Do you want to dance?

Girl: No, tienes un moco en la narriz y tienes legañas
No, you have snot in your nose and goo in your eyes.

Boy: Los ojos son azules como el Lago Verde
Your eyes as blue as Lago Verde

Girl: Desgraciadamente, tengo la vista perfecta y puedo ver que eres muy feo
Unfortunately I have perfect vision and I can see that you are very ugly.

Boy: Dame un pico
Give me a little kiss

Girl: No!, que le pasa? Tienes aliento de dragón. Eres un asco. Déjeme en paz y vas apreter las espinillas
No way! What’s wrong with you! You have dragon breath! You are disgusting. Leave me in peace and go and squeeze your blackheads.

Sound effects: Hot Chocolate, you sexy thing.
Girl: Dios mio! El medico del amor ha entrado el edificio! Es un tipo muy caliente. Huele muy bien- mmmm humo de leña y virilidad!Oh my god!
The Doctor of Love has entered the building! He’s super buff and smells so good- mmmm woodsmoke and unwashed manly smell!

Dr Love: Estás sola?
Are you alone?

Girl: Si, había esperándote todo mi vida
Yes, I have been waiting for you all my life

Dr Love: Quieres tomar un cafecito en mi carpa?
Do you want to come back to my tent for coffee?

Girl: Si, pero tengo tres amigas divinas que gustarían venir tambien. Te molestaría?
Yes, but I know my 3 stunningly attractive friends would like to come too. Would that be ok?

Dr Love: Claro, es completamente natural
Of course, it’s entirely natural

Girl: Vámanos!
Let’s go!

All: DO IT………
Thank you Claire, more from her and the Dr Love next week.

SIGN OFF
Finally Dave was sent out a copy of Maxim by his friends. Obviously they thought he was continuing to be single and needed some light hand relief. Anyway in there were some interesting poll results.

If these apply to you women will not sleep with you.
Hairy back 36%
Unemployed 43%
Bad Table manners 52%
Sandles with Socks 69%
Snorty Laugh 31%
Goggle eyes 38%

Unfortunately, this applies to most of you so you’d better worry. However your odds with the ladies will improve if you

Are very loud and show off a lot 40%
Smoke and hang out round the side of the barn 60%
Play terrible music at the end of parties
18%Take your top off a the merest hint of sunshine 12%
Being too cool to enjoy silly games at parties 0%

Gracias, Buenos Noches, Ciao Ciao, Adios, Hasta Luego
That’s all folk. And in the immortal words of Jerry Springer “Look after yourselves and each other”. And here’s a simple song with a simple message.

SONG – Take That ‘Back for Good’

Chile: October (18.10.04)

Radio Raleigh launched by the FBBC* to widespread acclaim

For those of you blissfully unaware of what actually goes on down here we have about 60 venturers and 30 staff in the field doing various good-works out in the wilds of Chile.

Their only contact with the outside world is through a long-wave, two-way radio which keeps Field Base (ie me and 8 other staff) in touch with them every 12 hours. Each Sunday night at 6pm they literally huddle together to listen to a ‘radio show’ put on by Field Base (ie me and 8 other staff) for their 'enjoyment'. I’ve recreated my first broadcast for you below.

As a leaving present from Capital they gave me a series of jingles and backing tracks, which saved on my Ipod, have helped spice up the aural entertainment.

6.00pm Sound Effects: Land of Hope & Glory 1min

"Hola, Buenas Tardes, Senoras y Senoritas, Bienvenido to the *Field Base Broadcasting Corporacion. The time is 6.00pm standard Chilean time and the date is Sunday October 17. Estupendo!"

NEWS UPDATE Sound Effects: Dambusters 15 sec

"Now for a news update, we go direct to James in the FBBC news bunker. James what have you got in your news-napsack for us tonight…"

BONG
My own personal update says I am well and well-fed.

BONG
The venturers arrived and unleashed hell. Nina, Dr of Logistics, and me her logstical-gimp, had to work 16 hours a day to keep the little funkers fed, watered and filled up on snacks. Average day started at 7am and finished about 11pm. There were runs to the shops, errands, running Nina and Dan Snack Shack Emporium, arse-wiping, delivering breakfast, lunch and tea and issuing them with personal kit. The only moments I had to myself were on the can. Overall, this was initially fun and stimulating and gradually gave way to grumpiness and whining martyrdom.

BONG
The venturers themselves were a wide ranging bunch of ex-heroin addicts and posh girls (I’ve been working hard on de-bunking stereotypes by the way). They were all remarkably nice though.

BONG
Eventually they buggered off into the hills and I could relax, well, for about 24 hours before I was bundled out the door and sent to join one of the groups making the Sendero (see below). The Sendero is a path that will runs the length of Chile and when completed will celebrate their bi-centenary. Raleigh are helping to make it using chain-gang style labour.

BONG
I arrived like a latter-day Marilyn Monroe to keep morale of the troops high. I, of course, failed in this mission due to constant p*ss-taking and idleness. I arrived and immediately they had a rest day, which was excellent. We went for a soggy walk in the drizzle to hunt for Chile’s national animal, the huemul – a kind or cack, nearly extinct, mini-deer. We thought the guide, to cover his ineptness, was going to put on a pair of antlers and leap out from behind a bush but as it turned out, he was a huemul-finding genuis and we saw 3 of the them. There are only 9 in the whole national park so we had a nice meal, washed them down with a nice Chianti and retired to bed.

BONG
The staff and venturers were all good fun and it was a pleasure to help their development by hammering on their personal weaknesses and belittling anyone who took my air-time.

BONG
We came back to field base and I immediately had my first real day off in five weeks. Newsreader James and I went off for a big gay night out, having a meal together in town and then retiring to a hotel to our (separate) luxury beds. The room had the twin benefits of cable TV and a bath. Both were used fully; watching the OC, various world cup qualifiers and the final US President debate. Good to see the race is now redneck and neck. This was followed by a lie-in in a bed, oh sweet Lord.

BONG
Then it was back to base camp for the build up to the return of the little b*ggers.

(Note to self: remember to score some crack and get the gymkana rosettes for the Snack Shack)

FIRST SONG

(Now if you can imagine this, I actually sung this down the line, with a group of male backing singers for the chorus. Dangerous dogs all across Chile we’re heard howling in the moonlight)

Keane – Somewhere only we know (Making the Sendero)

We walk across an empty land
We build the pathway with our bare hands
We feel the earth beneath our feet
Sit by the river, the path’s not complete

Oh simple things where have you gone?
We’re getting tired and we need chocolate to rely on
So tell me when the rain’s gonna end
We’re getting tired and we need drinking to begin

We came across a fallen tree
We felled the branches that were looking at me
Is this the place we grew to love?
Is this the place that we've been dreaming of?

Oh simple things where have you gone?
We’re getting tired and we’ve got beanfeast to rely on
So tell me when the wind’s gonna end
We’re getting tired and we need showers to begin

So if you have a minute why don't you go?
Talk about making the Sendero
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Making the Sendero
Somewhere only we know?

"We’re available for all weddings, parties and barmitzvas by the way."

ADVERTS

We even had adverts in our show. Graham, my Logs boss – ex-RAF, trained to kill, wasn’t listening – speaks like Michael Caine. Hence the impression…

"Now for a word from our sponsors...

My name is Graham Hornsey, not a lot of people know that I sponsor Raleigh. When I asked A7 to renovate the old people’s home, they were only supposed to blow the bl**dy doors off. Now I’ve got to go and sort it out.

So if you’ve got a problem, and no-one else can help, contact someone who gives a monkeys.
Logs, logs, logs, logs, logs, logs (to the tune of SKOL).

(high pitched voice, female voice) For all your logistical needs remember to dial 0 anytime, day or night. Note delivery takes ages. Smiles not included."

"Now over to Martin for his world of sport"

SPORT Sound Effects: Theme to the Tennis 10 sec

PING
Still not managed to play any real sport. Am currently the reigning table tennis champion and ridiculously over-competitive at volleyball but no football as of yet. Been for a couple of runs and was actually bitten on my leg by a dangerous dog. I returned later that night and tortured it, by singing.

PONG
Enjoyed watching highlights of England v Azerbaijan, only because it was a place more cold and windy than here, and I was in a hotel.

WEATHER

"Experts predict unpredictability. As they say on the Chilean version of The Fast Show – ‘No Scorchio’"

NORMAN’S SPANISH Sound Effects: Benny Hill (for some unknown reason)

Norman, our fieldbase interpreter, is 53 and been giving Spanish lessons over the radio. This week I had to pretend to be a woman whilst someone else tried to chat me up in Spanglish. Don’t know if this was helping anyone, least of all me.

Unfortunately, whenever I speak Spanish I come across like a Mexican bandido. When I casually mentioned to Nina in the supermarket that "Ham’s up, its daylight robbery" they overheard and thought I’d just said "hands up, it’s a robbery". We were released without charge.

"Thank you Norman, and more from his slightly bizarre world next week."

GOSSIP Sound Effects: Big Brother 10 secs

The venturers and all the other staff are at it like rabbits. I look on with a detached air.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Sound Effects: Happy Birthday by Altered Images

"My name is Graham Hornsey, and not a lot of people know that on Friday it’s my birthday. Everyone sings Happy birthday…

Thank you, and remember I only told you to blow the bl**dy candles out."

SIGN OFF Sound Effects: 50’s backing track

"Gracias, Buenos Noches, Ciao Ciao, Adios, Hasta Luego Senoritas.

OK there you have it, this week’s broadcast from the FBBC. This is me, Dan, wishing you all a pleasant evening lying naked in the snow because we forgot to give you a tent. Please remember that weather is only a state of mind and whinging is a disease only cured by extreme violence. Nighty night happy campers. And here’s an appropriate song to leave you with.

LAST SONG – Weather with you. Crowded House

Yes, the show was greeted with silence the first time as well.

REVIEWS

"Radio Raleigh was a triumph over adversity, la." The Liverpool Echo
"What the fu*k are you on?." Scally from Newcastle The Sun
"Marvellous, super, smashing, when does it start?." Posh bird The Telegraph
"Capital Punishment Radio, more like." Keith Pringle The Evening Standard
"Don’t give up the day job. Oh, you have." Carl Lyons The Grauniad

RAJAR audience results
61 venturers----------------------------------- 18-25
34 staff ------------------------------------------ 25-55
2 Bemused Chilean Radio Hams ------ 55+
6 Huemels --------------------------------------- Age unknown